What is a “close” friend? I guess it’s different for everyone. I’ve never felt like I had what people would consider a close friend, or really even a friend. I see everyone that has been in my life as just passing through, an acquaintance, nothing more. Some people think we were close because we spent a lot of time together. But to me being close to someone involves much more than just spending time with a person. Being close would mean that these so-called close friends would still be in my life today, and would have stuck by my side through tough times instead of bailing on me. And if I burned bridges with them, it was probably because I didn’t feel all that close to them. It had nothing to do with being on drugs, going into the porn industry, being in abusive relationships, under mind-control, etc. It had everything to do with that relationship not being solid.
Most people I’ve ever encountered have been fake with me, but I was also fake with them. I never did it on purpose, it just sort of happened that way. I didn’t know myself. I didn’t even really have a self. My identity was manufactured and programmed to be a mind-controlled sex-kitten. I was completely gone. So how can you attract authentic friendships if you’re not authentic yourself? It wasn’t my fault I was traumatized and abused as a child to be whatever my programmer wanted me to be. So I try not to blame myself, but I’m sure other people still do. If they really wanted to help me, it sure doesn’t seem like they ever really tried. They didn’t try to help me when I was addicted. They didn’t try to help me when I was suicidal. They didn’t try to help me when I was being taken advantage of by so many people. They didn’t try to help me when I needed them most. So I don’t really feel like I owe them a damn thing. I don’t owe them any of my time and energy now that I’m healing and recovering. These people can just be left in the past where they belong. If you didn’t care then, then why should I trust you when you claim that you care now? It makes absolutely no sense.
I’ve had to learn to be my own best friend. I’ve had to do it for my own survival. Not even the others in our system could do it for me. It took effort on my part and my willingness to change for the better. I will not let people who want to come back into my life back in just because they think they were close to me. I am not someone who is going to be walked all over. I am someone who is strong and a fighter. I know that most people despise me, and I really don’t give a flying fuck. It’s not about them loving me, it’s about me loving myself. And that’s what is most important. I am important. I have a purpose that’s more than just being a piece of meat. It may take me my whole life to recover from all this crap, but I’m here and I just have to lift my head up high and keep going. The haters are always going to hate, but I’m not going to let that stop me.
Written by : Ashley