I’ve been deep in thought today about how growing up with a narcissistic mother caused me to develop a lot of narcissistic traits myself. I actually thought I had Narcissistic Personality Disorder when I first started studying psychology trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. But as they say “If you’re asking yourself if you’re narcissistic, you probably aren’t” because narcissists don’t self-reflect like that. They don’t have any desire to become more self-aware and heal. I think that’s great I didn’t let this abuse she put me through cause me to become narcissistic myself, but it’s still no excuse for the way I treated people. But in order to recover from being this way, I have to look at what caused me to develop this way in the first place.
Living with our narcissistic mother was like living with the most negative person on the face of the earth. She always had nasty things to say about everyone. She was the ultimate shit-talker. It really warped my perceptions of other people. It basically left me feeling like my shit didn’t stink, and everyone else was scum. That’s what she would call most people “scumbags” along with lots of other not so pleasant words. Because of this I really never felt like I could develop healthy relationships because I would judge people so quickly. I wouldn’t even really give them a chance. I would just automatically think they sucked. I was jealous of the girls, and the guys became objects to me. It’s funny how for so long I thought I was the one playing all them, when really I was being used and abused myself as well. The truth is I was never actually doing all of this on purpose. My subconscious programming completely took over. I may have not realized what I was doing then, but I do now, and I feel terrible about it.
I wasn’t very nice to people at all. If I was jealous of a girl I did really cruel things to them, but it was mostly behind their back because I couldn’t face them. I was terrified of confrontation, yet I was constantly causing all this drama naturally. All there ever was in my family was conflict and chaos so it became second nature to me. I was like an emotional time-bomb that couldn’t gain control over my emotions. This is because we weren’t really allowed to express our emotions growing up at home in healthy ways. And I was copying these really dysfunctional adults and the way they handled their emotions. I watched them take out their rage on us and so I did the same to other people. I would manipulate people with my emotions just like they did to me where I would put people on guilt trips, play the victim, etc. etc.
And yes I was truly a victim, little did I know at the time but I would take it to a whole other level which was the problem. I would do it not to get narcissistic supply but I would still do it to get my way and to get the attention I so desperately needed. I really was suicidal but I also shoved it into people’s faces so they would care about me and do something about it. Yes, I guess you could say that’s attention-seeking but I really did need the help. I just didn’t go about it in the best way. So if there were people who were genuine I probably put them off by the way I acted. I couldn’t help myself though. I had developed in a way that was based off of these narcissistic and toxic people I surrounded myself with. I was also under mind-control but that was more so tied in with my sexuality from the sexual abuse programming I was put under as a child.
I really did take these things hard though, unlike a true narcissist. I really hated myself and wanted to change but didn’t know how. I didn’t understand what in the fuck was happening to me. I was super emotionally abusive to people and said really cruel things to them. I would laugh at abuse and other people’s pain as a way to cope with my own. I was extremely shallow and needed to be better than everyone else. I was superficial especially when it came to my appearance. I would put people down for the way they looked, but people also did the same thing to me. I thought it was normal to be this way because my environment was filled with people who were doing the same thing.
The only difference is our narcissistic mother was more superficial when it came to things like money, career, gift-giving, etc. etc. rather than her appearance. She was actually very insecure about that and very jealous of me especially when I started maturing. She had a pathological envy that was a lot more covert. She hated when I went through puberty and did everything she could to sabotage me behind the scenes to make sure I wouldn’t be as successful as she was. She didn’t teach me any basic life skills. She got me hooked on drugs. She wouldn’t help me with my homework, but she would help my golden child sister instead. She pushed me into going down a path that she knew I would fail at and then blamed my failure every single time on me. She guilt tripped me for all these things that she was purposely doing to me to sabotage my success.
I learned this pathological envy from her and that’s why I began feeling that way about other people and needing to constantly be in competition with them. I felt like I couldn’t do it when it came to my heart and my mind because I was told I didn’t have either of those things during my monarch programming. So I used my appearance and sexuality instead to stay on top. This really put people off and I was treated like absolute dirt. I had a lot of violent streaks. I made threats to other people and I was extremely aggressive at points. I even hit one of my ex-boyfriends in the face while he was driving.
I had this huge sense of entitlement and I was very selfish. I felt like the world owed me. I felt like nothing bad happened to anyone else but me. I would complain and complain and complain. I never stopped having something to complain about. I was extremely materialistic. I was taught by my mother that material stuff was more important than feelings and spiritual growth. It was always about how perfect her home needed to be. It was always about getting more and more money and buying stuff to fill the emptiness inside. I ended up getting addicted to food and using food as a coping mechanism because she always had plenty of that. She always had so many snacks to choose from. All the neighborhood kids would come over growing up and just use us for the stuff we had. We always had the best toys and so I never felt appreciated for who I really was, but only for what I had.
I never want to go back to that. I’m doing the best I can everyday to get rid of these narcissistic fleas. It’s definitely going to take time and patience but I truly believe that I can do it. I just need to believe in myself and finally develop self-love. It’s not going to be easy, but when is it ever? This journey has been incredible and has taught me so much. I’m so grateful that I have the support of my family of people who share one body. People thinking living with Dissociative Identity Disorder is a bad thing but it’s the closest thing to having a real family I’ve ever had. I’m so blessed to be able to share this life with such amazing people. I know I was mean to them at first when we first found out we were multiple, but I hope that I can make up for all of that through continuing to put the effort in becoming the best person I can be. I know that the narcissistic abuse and programming I endured is going to probably have a lasting impact on me, but it can get better from here to some degree, and that’s more than enough.
Written by : Ashley