It’s crazy how we can wake up from a dream, and the reality we come back to seems more like a dream than the one we just left. Sometimes I’ve wondered if life is just a dream, and I’m out there sleeping somewhere just waiting to wake up when I die. This life has just been too out of this world to believe it’s real. Yet at the same time it can be so mundane that the opposite notion also holds true.
I feel like I’m just wasting my life away, just living to survive. I don’t feel like I’m even close to reaching my full potential. I don’t know if I ever will be. But then I think about how difficult things are. How can I expect myself to do better than this? And even if I was capable of more, it still wouldn’t be enough. I have set the standards so high for myself. I’ve made it so I can never reach this level of perfection I’m striving for. Maybe I do it so I’ll never have a reason to really live in the moment and feel good about my accomplishments. Or maybe it’s just heavy duty programming and mind-control.
Whenever we set the bar too high, it’s usually out of fear of success. So you make it near impossible to reach a point where you can feel good about yourself and how far you’ve come. This fear keeps you on your toes. It keeps you not even wanting to be here. It makes it so your anxiety is so high that you no longer feel passionate about your passions. This passion is what fuels your success. Because when you have a grip on it, you not only create more, but you feel successful with what you’ve already created so far. You realize that you’re a success right now. You don’t need to do anything more to prove your self-worth. You just do it because you love it.
I feel like I’m falling apart because I let fear get the best of me. It’s not my fault. It’s the trauma-based mind-control I was put under. It makes it so I can rarely find true joy in my life. I live in the past and I live in the future. I can’t help that. It’s just a matter of how I can use that to my advantage. I might never really be present. But I can take the torture and trauma from my past and turn it into something beautiful, creative, and self-expressive. I can take the future and use it as something to look forward to instead. I can see the unknown as something exciting, as a big adventure.
But none of this is easy. Trust me, I’ve tried to do this time and time again. And for moments at a time it works. But most of the time I struggle deeply with all of this. The programming holds me back. It tells me that I’m worthless. It tells me that I can never be truly loved. It tells me that I’m not safe. It tells me that I should kill myself. And there are so many things that have happened and continue to happen that proves all of these beliefs to be true in one way or another.
I was treated like I was worthless. I never experienced unconditional love from anyone in my life. I wasn’t safe all those times I was abused. I have suicide programming installed. I can’t change these things, but I can change how I view them. It’s just a matter of holding on to the new beliefs that I’m trying to believe now that I’ve begun healing. I always go back to the old belief systems. This is because it’s so deeply embedded in me. Whatever beliefs you ended up with while you’re developing in childhood, end up becoming apart of that subconscious programming. It takes years and year of constant repetition and dedication to change it. So I try not to beat myself up about it.
I have to keep putting the new programming in, and it does take a lot of work but I think it’s worth it. I show myself I am worth something by reminding myself that I don’t need to do anything to achieve worth. I was born worthy, and I will always be worthy. I am loved because I already am love, no matter how anyone outside of myself treats me. The one I’m still working on is feeling safe. I don’t know how to really convince myself of that one or to stop the suicide programming. But I noticed that as soon as I build enough confidence in myself and find reasons to live, it helps. Music helps. Writing helps. Singing helps. Dancing helps. Taking videos helps. It’s a combination of things.
The thing is it doesn’t matter if this feels like a dream that seems so unreal because I’m here now, and I’m living in it. The things that happened to me may seem very out there, and what I experience now just seems so unfathomable. But I’m still experiencing them. I have to face this. I still have to get up everyday and live my life. As long as I don’t give up completely, I can’t really go wrong. Just one foot in front of the other. I may feel like I’m dragging myself out of bed most days. I may feel like it takes so much energy to do just about everything. But I have to do it. I have to keep going. I have to let life take me where I’m meant to go. It’s all I can do. I don’t know where I’ll end up when I die. But I do know what life is like so I might as well just live it.
Written by : Serenity