I hate that people worry about me. I wish when they felt this way they wouldn’t tell me about it. Most of the time I’m really depressed or extremely anxious. So all it does is just add on to how horrible I’m feeling, knowing that I’m causing someone else pain. I don’t want to know that you’re struggling with your own peace of mind because of me, simply because I exist, and that I’m suffering.
Now that I’m homeless, if I’m gone for even just a day from taking videos, I have people messaging me going crazy with worry about me trying to force a response out of me. I already have to deal with quite a bit, and all it does is just make things that much worse. It’s not that I’m saying these people shouldn’t be allowed to feel the way they feel. I just wish they wouldn’t tell me about it. Because it makes me feel obligated to constantly update the world about my current situation, when sometimes I just want to be alone. Luckily I haven’t let it get to me yet to the point where I’ve posted a video because other people were worried about me. Every time I post anything it’s because I’m truly inspired to do so and absolutely need to express myself, and the only place I can do so is online because I can’t handle the real world.
I don’t get the same amount of quiet time I did when I had a home. I actually rarely get any at all. So when they come at me like this, all it does is put this pressure on me. I try my best to let everyone know I’m safe as much as I can, but I’m only human. I’m also disabled. I won’t always be able to get online. And even when I am able to, I’m not always going to want to. And I know as soon as people read this, I’m probably going to get even more messages saying “oh my, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that”…”I won’t bother you anymore”….”I guess I’ve annoyed you and I should just leave you alone”…and then it leaves me with this guilt for even speaking out about how I feel.
I can’t control what other people do. That’s definitely something I’ve learned in all of this. I know that they just care, or at least I think they do. Sometimes I’m not sure because they’ve never actually ever met me. They’ve fallen in love with a person who posts videos of themselves online. I may share a lot, but they still don’t know the real me. I think it’s great that so many people seem to like me, and get so much out of my content. But a lot of interactions seem so fake. People who barely know me and haven’t ever even gotten a response out of me think we’re close friends. It’s strange when you put your face out there like this. Sometimes you just want to be treated like any other normal human being. But people talk at me like I’m some sort of god. I don’t like being put on a pedestal. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I’m just a person who decided to share her story, that’s it, nothing more, nothing less.
I don’t think I’ll get too much of a shit-storm response from this post because most people don’t read my written blog anyways, they only really pay attention to the videos. So I sort of feel more safe expressing myself here. But at the same time, I’m going to feel terrible if anyone does read this and takes it personally. This is supposed to be my place to vent. This is supposed to be my place to express myself freely. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings but my own. But I still get hit with so much crap from people whenever I’m honest with myself. And usually they’ve misunderstood just about every word I’ve said. But I guess that’s life, and I just have to deal with it.
Written by : Serenity