I’ve noticed something about people and that is that we are always comparing and judging ourselves so harshly even when we’re doing well. We look at others and think that we could be doing more. It’s like nothing we ever do is enough. We also may look at others and think that when we are doing well that it isn’t fair that others are still trapped in a place that we’ve broken free from. It’s like we can’t accept our own accomplishments either way. I hate that I recognize things like this, but it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Those are the worst. Those realizations that you come to over and over again that just make you feel terrible because it feels like there’s no way out or you just haven’t found a solution yet or maybe you have but you can’t execute it yet. The only thing we can really do at points is to just accept things the way they are, take whatever lesson we can from it, and move forward to the best of our ability.
This can make a person feel so powerless sometimes, but other times in those magical more rare moments it can actually make you feel more empowered because you’ve truly allowed whatever it is to just be, even if it’s only temporarily.
That feels like the ultimate freedom to me, and I hope I can keep reaching that point where there is no worry anymore and to stop having these over obsessive thoughts that just won’t quit. That moment when you’re finally allowing everything to be the way it is and therefore you can actually move on to the next thing without feeling like it’s dragging you down.
A lot of times I’ll feel like there’s this huge weight that gets added on every time I can’t accept something I can’t change at the moment. Its weight can be soul crushing, so when the burden is lifted even if it’s just ever so slightly, it’s nice to finally be able to sigh with relief. I know that even right now I’m not accepting that I’m not able to accept things. Not accepting of not accepting. It’s actually quite amusing.
I love those moments when you can take something that would normally make you feel sad and genuinely laugh about it in a way that’s so carefree. Of course sometimes it can make you feel guilty because you don’t want anyone to feel like your making fun of a very serious thing they’re going through as well. But sometimes you just have to for your own sanity you know?
I don’t know where I was going with this.
Oh yeah, the programming, particularly the sexual programming of our sexual alters in our system. It hit me today that I am the only one that is actually functional and deprogrammed partially or at least temporarily most of the time. I started feeling bad about that, because I think of all the alters who haven’t been able to, and it makes me sad that they are still in that place where they really don’t know their own worth just yet.
I know that I should be proud of myself for getting this far, but I feel like somehow I must have been let off the hook, like it just came to me easy, even though it certainly hasn’t been easy at all.
This is partly because I haven’t had to really face a lot of the childhood sexual trauma and training I’ve gone through. I’ve been able to completely block it from my awareness more often than not, and there’s a lot I don’t remember.
I didn’t have to remember or relive as much as I would’ve thought I would’ve had to in order to begin deprogramming, while the rest of them don’t have that luxury.
Like for example one of them today started thinking about possibly motivating themselves to fight back against their programming, and the moment that happened, some of their trauma was about to surface.
Of course they weren’t ready for it yet, so we switched into myself and I began to take all the hits that were being thrown at us.
I guess I have to be strong for the rest of them, which I don’t really mind because it’s what I’ve always done in a sense, even when being completely under. I’ve fronted a whole a lot more than a lot of these other programmed alters, at least when it comes to a full fronting in the drivers seat that is and not just passive influence.
I’m the one that has always meant to be front and center. It’s just the way it was setup to be. It doesn’t mean that the others aren’t strong or brave. It’s just that they haven’t discovered that they are yet because the programming is preventing them from doing so.
They’ve never really been given the chance. They don’t get much body time at all because when the programming goes off it puts our system in danger. And I know how important it was for me to be in the drivers seat of the body in order for me to really begin to break free of my programming. I don’t think I could’ve done it by simply just being in the inner head space, but who knows maybe we’ll figure out a way someday to work shit out more on the inside, but it’s rather difficult when whoever is fronting really doesn’t have very much access to it at all.
I definitely think that isn’t on accident.
There’s lot of important things that need to be done using the inner head space and I feel like it’s desperately needed for our healing and recovery. And I know it’s possible for us to access more of it while fronting, because we have before. But it’s just so intense, and when we were starting to be able to before, one of our handlers re-accessed us and put up another block from us being able to.
I realize that I need to just accept that this is where we are right now, and that’s perfectly okay. We will get there. Like they say “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I know that has been sort of an overused saying but it came up while I was writing so why the fuck not?
I need to stop worrying so much about what others think. I do care what they think, and I think we do need to care to a certain extent because other people’s feelings should be respected. But this is my zone. This is where I express myself, and people choose to read it at their own accord. I am not responsible for how other people are going to receive me.
I just have to be me, and that’s that. As difficult as it is, I want to keep pushing through, and start talking about things that really matter to me again even if it fucking kills me in the process. Just put it in the fuck it bucket right?
Written by : Ashley