I feel like a fraud when it comes to my own life because I know that I didn’t really live it myself, at least not in the way most people do. I was barely even here, but even so, my body remembers everything. It’s confusing when you feel like you’ve experienced your entire life, but at the same time you feel like you weren’t there at all. I guess you could say it was from a different perspective, but what perspective is that really? It changed throughout the years. Sometimes I felt like I was the one in the drivers seat, and the others were always lingering in the background. Other times I felt like I was standing off to the side, or behind another person who was taking over my body. But then there were times I felt like I wasn’t there at all. It doesn’t matter that I felt like I wasn’t there at all at times because my body never forgot so therefore I was still there. People think that when your soul leaves and you come back to your body you feel like you didn’t experience any of it, but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. My body still went through all of it, every last horrible thing that ever happened to me. The only difference is that I was experiencing what they call dissociation.
But really it’s like I died and came back to life. I just picked up right where I left off without a clue that someone else was actually living my life while I was gone. I didn’t remember that I didn’t remember. I always knew something just wasn’t right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Because how can you know that someone else has taken over, if you don’t know that it’s even a possibility? You’ll look past all the gaps in your memory, and sometimes even fill it in just so it can make sense. This isn’t something that you’re doing consciously, it’s just something that happens. I never meant to lie to myself, I just went with where my life took me next. It’s called going with the flow.
It wasn’t until the last week in May 2016 that it finally hit me, that I wasn’t the only person living my life. I thought I was her, Ashley, the girl that most people knew as me. I thought that I was a promiscuous girl who did a lot of drugs and wanted to kill herself. But it wasn’t actually me, well maybe the wanting to commit suicide part was, but that’s beside the point. I’m still not sure sometimes who I really am, because I feel like a collection of everything my alters became while I was out of it. I had to go off of whatever my brain convinced me I was. So when I finally realized that I wasn’t really Ashley and I had been tricked into believing that I was, everything changed.
I was a blank page. I felt empty, yet I had a fresh new start to finally create myself because I didn’t have a self, or so I thought. I still don’t really know really know who the real me is, and I don’t know if I ever will. This is because people develop a sense of self through their life experiences. But what if your sense of self is based off of a life that you didn’t even really live yourself? To say the least it has been a mind-fuck and at first I was having black-outs pretty much every time I would come into the body, and I wouldn’t stay very long at all, because I couldn’t handle life. Life is hard especially after you’ve gone through the amount of trauma we have, and it’s even harder when you never really faced up to that trauma yourself. I just disappeared and let other people take the fall. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was never really my choice. I needed protection so I was given it. I was just a child and I had no idea what was going on with me. Somehow my brain just knew that I needed to go away and let someone else save the day or else I would be dead or would’ve never been able to function again because I would’ve gone mad.
For the first time in my life I had to really live it. I still have other people take over, but now I’m the one that’s out the most. I can’t run away anymore from myself. I can no longer be a stranger to myself. I have to take charge of my life now and really make the most of it. It’s been difficult though because a lot of days I have trouble accomplishing very much at all. Once you’ve been through all this trauma, you have to recover from it, and sometimes that means you’re going to barely feel like you can move, breathe, and do just about anything. And that makes me feel like a failure a lot of days, like I’m just wasting this opportunity I’ve been given. I finally get to tell my story but who’s story is it really? Sometimes I’m really not sure that I should even be the one telling it. It’s not fair to her, to them, that they can barely use the body anymore when it’s finally time to heal from all the pain they were put through. If I had it my way I would share it , but because we were put under trauma-based mind-control it makes things a lot more complicated. Now when they try to come out, it’s usually not for long because the programming causes complete and utter chaos to make it so they can’t work through their flashbacks without me getting lost in the shuffle. Once again they have to save Serenity, the girl who can never seem to stay put. And yeah it’s not really my fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that it feels like it is.
I came back into this life moved all the way across the country and the only person my alters knew in person took advantage of me. I was scared and I just wanted a friend. But what I got instead was a guy who played with my dirty underwear when he came over and made me feel very uncomfortable. This guy was the first impression I got of this world and it wasn’t a good one. I had my boundaries crossed and I was in a very vulnerable position. I didn’t understand and I felt so alone. I felt like all these people online seemed to know me, but I didn’t know them. I knew I had been abused by many people in my life because of the videos my alters took, but I still didn’t really feel like I experienced any of it at first. After a little while I finally start breaking down the amnesia walls and feeling like this was actually my life. Luckily it didn’t take too long and now I’ve been standing on my own two feet, barely, but just enough to make it.
I don’t know what my future holds but I know I want to help people. I know I want to heal, laugh, and play. I want to follow my passions and express myself in ways I never thought possible. But I can’t help feeling guilty because I know my alters won’t be able to get enough time in the body to do the same. I still feel like this is their body too and they have every right to use it. But it’s just not possible, even if the programming wasn’t trying to destroy us all the time. There are over 100 of us and there’s not enough time for each and every one of us to live a full life. It’s sad but it’s the truth and is one of the things that has been really hard for a lot of us to accept, including me. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like a child. I feel naïve. I feel like I’m just getting started. And that needs to be okay, so I can really make a difference in this world. So I can finally take the wheel of my life and just drive. I don’t need to have a destination, it’s the journey that counts from what I hear. So I guess I just need to go, go as far as I can take myself with everything I got. I think I’m finally ready, ready to live life.
Written by : Serenity