Just Put It In The Fuck It Bucket (Ashley)


I’ve noticed something about people and that is that we are always comparing and judging ourselves so harshly even when we’re doing well. We look at others and think that we could be doing more. It’s like nothing we ever do is enough. We also may look at others and think that when we are doing well that it isn’t fair that others are still trapped in a place that we’ve broken free from. It’s like we can’t accept our own accomplishments either way. I hate that I recognize things like this, but it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Those are the worst. Those realizations that you come to over and over again that just make you feel terrible because it feels like there’s no way out or you just haven’t found a solution yet or maybe you have but you can’t execute it yet. The only thing we can really do at points is to just accept things the way they are, take whatever lesson we can from it, and move forward to the best of our ability.

This can make a person feel so powerless sometimes, but other times in those magical more rare moments it can actually make you feel more empowered because you’ve truly allowed whatever it is to just be, even if it’s only temporarily.

That feels like the ultimate freedom to me, and I hope I can keep reaching that point where there is no worry anymore and to stop having these over obsessive thoughts that just won’t quit. That moment when you’re finally allowing everything to be the way it is and therefore you can actually move on to the next thing without feeling like it’s dragging you down.

A lot of times I’ll feel like there’s this huge weight that gets added on every time I can’t accept something I can’t change at the moment. Its weight can be soul crushing, so when the burden is lifted even if it’s just ever so slightly, it’s nice to finally be able to sigh with relief. I know that even right now I’m not accepting that I’m not able to accept things. Not accepting of not accepting. It’s actually quite amusing.

I love those moments when you can take something that would normally make you feel sad and genuinely laugh about it in a way that’s so carefree. Of course sometimes it can make you feel guilty because you don’t want anyone to feel like your making fun of a very serious thing they’re going through as well. But sometimes you just have to for your own sanity you know?

I don’t know where I was going with this.

Oh yeah, the programming, particularly the sexual programming of our sexual alters in our system. It hit me today that I am the only one that is actually functional and deprogrammed partially or at least temporarily most of the time. I started feeling bad about that, because I think of all the alters who haven’t been able to, and it makes me sad that they are still in that place where they really don’t know their own worth just yet.

I know that I should be proud of myself for getting this far, but I feel like somehow I must have been let off the hook, like it just came to me easy, even though it certainly hasn’t been easy at all.

This is partly because I haven’t had to really face a lot of the childhood sexual trauma and training I’ve gone through. I’ve been able to completely block it from my awareness more often than not, and there’s a lot I don’t remember.

I didn’t have to remember or relive as much as I would’ve thought I would’ve had to in order to begin deprogramming, while the rest of them don’t have that luxury.

Like for example one of them today started thinking about possibly motivating themselves to fight back against their programming, and the moment that happened, some of their trauma was about to surface.

Of course they weren’t ready for it yet, so we switched into myself and I began to take all the hits that were being thrown at us.

I guess I have to be strong for the rest of them, which I don’t really mind because it’s what I’ve always done in a sense, even when being completely under. I’ve fronted a whole a lot more than a lot of these other programmed alters, at least when it comes to a full fronting in the drivers seat that is and not just passive influence.

I’m the one that has always meant to be front and center. It’s just the way it was setup to be. It doesn’t mean that the others aren’t strong or brave. It’s just that they haven’t discovered that they are yet because the programming is preventing them from doing so.

They’ve never really been given the chance. They don’t get much body time at all because when the programming goes off it puts our system in danger. And I know how important it was for me to be in the drivers seat of the body in order for me to really begin to break free of my programming. I don’t think I could’ve done it by simply just being in the inner head space, but who knows maybe we’ll figure out a way someday to work shit out more on the inside, but it’s rather difficult when whoever is fronting really doesn’t have very much access to it at all.

I definitely think that isn’t on accident.

There’s lot of important things that need to be done using the inner head space and I feel like it’s desperately needed for our healing and recovery. And I know it’s possible for us to access more of it while fronting, because we have before. But it’s just so intense, and when we were starting to be able to before, one of our handlers re-accessed us and put up another block from us being able to.

I realize that I need to just accept that this is where we are right now, and that’s perfectly okay. We will get there. Like they say “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I know that has been sort of an overused saying but it came up while I was writing so why the fuck not?

I need to stop worrying so much about what others think. I do care what they think, and I think we do need to care to a certain extent because other people’s feelings should be respected. But this is my zone. This is where I express myself, and people choose to read it at their own accord. I am not responsible for how other people are going to receive me.

I just have to be me, and that’s that. As difficult as it is, I want to keep pushing through, and start talking about things that really matter to me again even if it fucking kills me in the process. Just put it in the fuck it bucket right?


Written by : Ashley


Multiplicity – Do You See Us? (Ashley)

Black Lives Matter.

I see this written everywhere. I understand why it’s so important to people now. I used to not see the point of only talking about one group of people, because I felt like it was excluding everyone else. I felt like it just added onto the division that is already so apparent in our society. But now I see that sometimes you have to put the focus on one group of individuals because the division already exists.

It’s really sad that certain races do get treated differently than others. There’s so many stereotypes that have become extremely harmful, and have lead to so many deaths of innocent people.

But when I see this I can’t help but to think about myself and others like me. This may seem like it’s selfish, but I think about how many lives have been stolen when it comes to people that are multiple and no one even bats an eye. They don’t even really know how many people like us exist and still believe that being multiple is rare when it actually isn’t.

It’s believed that people who are labeled with Dissociative Identity Disorder alone make up 1% of the population at the very least. It’s actually underdiagnosed and there’s so much controversy around it where people still don’t even believe multiplicity even exists.

So can you imagine how many of us suffer in silence not even aware of our multiplicity and/or are aware but have to hide it because of the way it’s viewed in this society? Do you have any idea how many of us have probably committed suicide over the years because of the lack of research, compassion, and understanding of our multiplicity?

Not only that but we are made to look like we are crazy psycho killers in the media so it makes people not even want to pay attention to us. Many of us have had such traumatic lives and never get the love and support we so desperately need. We have to stay so quiet and hidden that we can’t even fight for our own rights. We are also the ones that are put into programs like Project Monarch, tortured, and experimented on until we are sent to our deaths through being targeted and covertly harassed until we off ourselves.

So I ask myself this question…Do the lives of those who are multiple really matter to people? Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it. We don’t get any coverage when it comes to the truth of what’s actually happening to us. The truth is that most of us are victims of the corrupt who are in power, the same people that are being treated like gods, yet no one even notices. People see our multiplicity as something to be afraid of instead of something that should be accepted and that kills us inside everyday until we do finally kick the bucket for good.

Just because we are a minority doesn’t mean that our lives don’t matter. But you don’t see anyone speaking up for us. You don’t see protests going on to protect those who are multiple. Because no one gives a flying fuck. So yeah it hurts. It hurts when I see things like Black Lives Matter but never anything about how Multiplicity lives matter. We are just left in the dark, and no one ever comes looking for us.

But I’m tired of waiting and that’s why I’m speaking out. You may think I’m disrespecting Black Lives Matter by writing this post. But this is my truth. This is how I feel. Someone has to say something when no one else will.


Written by : Ashley

In This Skin (Dissociative Identity Disorder) (Kyle Green)

Man, where do I even begin? Today I came out into the body for the first time in forever. It felt very strange for me because I hadn’t really been out in public much before. I was always just Kyle who did the dishes and listened to Stone Temple Pilots but I was more than that today.

I’ve been having trouble getting comfortable in this female body because I obviously feel like a male. It’s true that I like guys and that I’m a gay man but I’m not exactly so feminine that I enjoy wearing a dress or anything like that. But today we are wearing one of course and have two more dresses we carry with us in the small amount of clothing we brought when we became homeless.

I really wish there would’ve been more thoughtful consideration for someone like me in the system but I know it was a stressful time. I feel pretty bad because I keep flashing everyone the goods on accident. I’m having trouble keeping my legs closed and my tits have fallen out multiple times.

I know it’s not really my fault but of course I’m beating myself up because I don’t want to put us in danger or anything. There were a lot of creepy people staring us down, but I guess that’s normal or something from what I hear with being a targeted individual. I don’t know much about any of that but I definitely noticed something was off and it was more than just us looking like an attractive female.

I just don’t feel like this is my body, but I do feel this is partly my life that I don’t get to really live very often. I thought that the music that we had on us wasn’t going to be my taste because I have very specific taste. But it turned out Serenity had this post-punk playlist I really dug so it helped open up my mind a bit.

I feel like people don’t really see me at all but how could they? I guess I’m expecting too much out of people that can barely tell what day it is half the time let alone that I’m a completely different person in comparison to these other people who are normally out in the body.

I just need time I suppose to adjust, and I hope I can become a regular front alter so I can help out more and get to know myself. It can be difficult though because of how much our mind tries to dissociate away from being me and the co-consciousness makes things even more confusing at times.

I would feel like I was a mix of different alters at points and it made me feel highly uncomfortable. I know the co-consciousness is important for our memory but it can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. I guess I just need to suck it up and see what else the day has to offer.


Written by : Kyle Green


Stranger To Myself – Dissociative Identity Disorder – Multiplicity

I feel like a fraud when it comes to my own life because I know that I didn’t really live it myself, at least not in the way most people do. I was barely even here, but even so, my body remembers everything. It’s confusing when you feel like you’ve experienced your entire life, but at the same time you feel like you weren’t there at all. I guess you could say it was from a different perspective, but what perspective is that really? It changed throughout the years. Sometimes I felt like I was the one in the drivers seat, and the others were always lingering in the background. Other times I felt like I was standing off to the side, or behind another person who was taking over my body. But then there were times I felt like I wasn’t there at all. It doesn’t matter that I felt like I wasn’t there at all at times because my body never forgot so therefore I was still there. People think that when your soul leaves and you come back to your body you feel like you didn’t experience any of it, but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. My body still went through all of it, every last horrible thing that ever happened to me. The only difference is that I was experiencing what they call dissociation.

But really it’s like I died and came back to life. I just picked up right where I left off without a clue that someone else was actually living my life while I was gone. I didn’t remember that I didn’t remember. I always knew something just wasn’t right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Because how can you know that someone else has taken over, if you don’t know that it’s even a possibility? You’ll look past all the gaps in your memory, and sometimes even fill it in just so it can make sense. This isn’t something that you’re doing consciously, it’s just something that happens. I never meant to lie to myself, I just went with where my life took me next. It’s called going with the flow.

It wasn’t until the last week in May 2016 that it finally hit me, that I wasn’t the only person living my life. I thought I was her, Ashley, the girl that most people knew as me. I thought that I was a promiscuous girl who did a lot of drugs and wanted to kill herself. But it wasn’t actually me, well maybe the wanting to commit suicide part was, but that’s beside the point. I’m still not sure sometimes who I really am, because I feel like a collection of everything my alters became while I was out of it. I had to go off of whatever my brain convinced me I was. So when I finally realized that I wasn’t really Ashley and I had been tricked into believing that I was, everything changed.

I was a blank page. I felt empty, yet I had a fresh new start to finally create myself because I didn’t have a self, or so I thought. I still don’t really know really know who the real me is, and I don’t know if I ever will. This is because people develop a sense of self through their life experiences. But what if your sense of self is based off of a life that you didn’t even really live yourself? To say the least it has been a mind-fuck and at first I was having black-outs pretty much every time I would come into the body, and I wouldn’t stay very long at all, because I couldn’t handle life. Life is hard especially after you’ve gone through the amount of trauma we have, and it’s even harder when you never really faced up to that trauma yourself. I just disappeared and let other people take the fall. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was never really my choice. I needed protection so I was given it. I was just a child and I had no idea what was going on with me. Somehow my brain just knew that I needed to go away and let someone else save the day or else I would be dead or would’ve never been able to function again because I would’ve gone mad.

For the first time in my life I had to really live it. I still have other people take over, but now I’m the one that’s out the most. I can’t run away anymore from myself. I can no longer be a stranger to myself. I have to take charge of my life now and really make the most of it. It’s been difficult though because a lot of days I have trouble accomplishing very much at all. Once you’ve been through all this trauma, you have to recover from it, and sometimes that means you’re going to barely feel like you can move, breathe, and do just about anything. And that makes me feel like a failure a lot of days, like I’m just wasting this opportunity I’ve been given. I finally get to tell my story but who’s story is it really? Sometimes I’m really not sure that I should even be the one telling it. It’s not fair to her, to them, that they can barely use the body anymore when it’s finally time to heal from all the pain they were put through. If I had it my way I would share it , but because we were put under trauma-based mind-control it makes things a lot more complicated. Now when they try to come out, it’s usually not for long because the programming causes complete and utter chaos to make it so they can’t work through their flashbacks without me getting lost in the shuffle. Once again they have to save Serenity, the girl who can never seem to stay put. And yeah it’s not really my fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that it feels like it is.

I came back into this life moved all the way across the country and the only person my alters knew in person took advantage of me. I was scared and I just wanted a friend. But what I got instead was a guy who played with my dirty underwear when he came over and made me feel very uncomfortable. This guy was the first impression I got of this world and it wasn’t a good one. I had my boundaries crossed and I was in a very vulnerable position. I didn’t understand and I felt so alone. I felt like all these people online seemed to know me, but I didn’t know them. I knew I had been abused by many people in my life because of the videos my alters took, but I still didn’t really feel like I experienced any of it at first. After a little while I finally start breaking down the amnesia walls and feeling like this was actually my life. Luckily it didn’t take too long and now I’ve been standing on my own two feet, barely, but just enough to make it.

I don’t know what my future holds but I know I want to help people. I know I want to heal, laugh, and play. I want to follow my passions and express myself in ways I never thought possible. But I can’t help feeling guilty because I know my alters won’t be able to get enough time in the body to do the same. I still feel like this is their body too and they have every right to use it. But it’s just not possible, even if the programming wasn’t trying to destroy us all the time. There are over 100 of us and there’s not enough time for each and every one of us to live a full life. It’s sad but it’s the truth and is one of the things that has been really hard for a lot of us to accept, including me. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like a child. I feel naïve. I feel like I’m just getting started. And that needs to be okay, so I can really make a difference in this world. So I can finally take the wheel of my life and just drive. I don’t need to have a destination, it’s the journey that counts from what I hear. So I guess I just need to go, go as far as I can take myself with everything I got. I think I’m finally ready, ready to live life.


Written by : Serenity