You know something that I’ve noticed is that when you tell people how you feel, they tend to respond in a way that just makes it worse. They rarely say exactly what you’d like to hear and if they do it still doesn’t make you feel any better. At least this is my experience in life. I just see a bunch of people with their heads in the clouds or in the sand lying to themselves. They tell themselves this wonderful story about life that is complete and utter bullshit to make themselves feel better.
I’m not saying that I haven’t done the exact same thing, because oh boy I certainly have! It’s survival when we do this. But it’s pretend. It’s pretend happiness that we convince ourselves that we are experiencing. I try to hold my tongue because I don’t want to crush their vision. I figure I might as well let them do what they think actually helps. Really it’s just a band-aid that eventually comes off again only to show the same wound is still there. You were just covering it up.
When I write inspirational shit that people at least think it’s inspirational, it’s actually pretty fucking fake, just like everything and everyone else in this world. I realize that people like me the most when I can be inspiring to them. But take that all way and they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Because then I’d be too negative for their liking. If I didn’t put a spin on everything I fucking say to sound more positive to their ears, they would turn the other cheek eventually.
I notice that people tend to drop off the more real I get with myself, where I don’t sugarcoat shit. I just let it all out. And I know it probably sounds mean. But at least it’s what I really want to say. So frankly I’d rather not give a flying fuck. But I do. I always fucking do. That’s just another thing to add to the list of what I hate about this fucking world. And yeah today was definitely not one of my better days to say the least. But on my worst days it actually shows me the truth of myself.
I’m glad that I’m not “Miss Positivity” all the fucking time like Ruby is. She hosted for quite some time there. And people would actually tell us they thought we were the most positive person they’ve ever met. Little did they know it was just an overly positive part of us that was parading around only showing a fraction of the way we actually are.
Sometimes I will beat myself up because I can’t be more like “Ruby”. Everything seemed to come so easily for her. She is like a superwoman in my eyes at times. But when I really take a look at it, I know that it’s not realistic the way she is.
So really I think I’d prefer to be authentically me than to be someone I’m not. As hard as I try though I still can’t quite be myself. But that’s because now it actually takes a conscious effort most of the time to be that way, to be whatever me even is, because of what these crap people in this crap life have stolen from me.
I actually really have always wanted to die. I’ve always wanted to fucking kill myself. But then one day I realized that I don’t know what’s going to happen when I die, so really there’s actually no point. It could actually be worse than life. I could just come back and repeat the same shit all over again. So here I am, still living, and still putting a smile on my face like everyone else just so I can survive. But I’m fucking sick of it.
There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it though. I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow or someday after that and once again try to make the most out of this life even though I don’t want to fucking be here. And that really sucks. Because it’s not actually genuine. I gave up a long time ago on life. But at the same time I keep trying. I still end up hitting a brick fucking wall. And no matter how many people tell me what I should be doing and what they think will be best for me, it’s never going to do me any good.
So yeah, if anyone has a problem with how I live my life and how I view it, then they can just get the fuck off my lawn. You’re not going to change me. You obviously don’t accept me. So you might as well stop trying. I’m not someone you can mold into your perfect little person that’s going to do all these super awesome things. Get over it.
Written by : Violet