Your Fake Little World (Violet)

TRIGGER WARNING

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You know something that I’ve noticed is that when you tell people how you feel, they tend to respond in a way that just makes it worse. They rarely say exactly what you’d like to hear and if they do it still doesn’t make you feel any better. At least this is my experience in life. I just see a bunch of people with their heads in the clouds or in the sand lying to themselves. They tell themselves this wonderful story about life that is complete and utter bullshit to make themselves feel better.

I’m not saying that I haven’t done the exact same thing, because oh boy I certainly have! It’s survival when we do this. But it’s pretend. It’s pretend happiness that we convince ourselves that we are experiencing. I try to hold my tongue because I don’t want to crush their vision. I figure I might as well let them do what they think actually helps. Really it’s just a band-aid that eventually comes off again only to show the same wound is still there. You were just covering it up.

When I write inspirational shit that people at least think it’s inspirational, it’s actually pretty fucking fake, just like everything and everyone else in this world. I realize that people like me the most when I can be inspiring to them. But take that all way and they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Because then I’d be too negative for their liking. If I didn’t put a spin on everything I fucking say to sound more positive to their ears, they would turn the other cheek eventually.

I notice that people tend to drop off the more real I get with myself, where I don’t sugarcoat shit. I just let it all out. And I know it probably sounds mean. But at least it’s what I really want to say. So frankly I’d rather not give a flying fuck. But I do. I always fucking do. That’s just another thing to add to the list of what I hate about this fucking world. And yeah today was definitely not one of my better days to say the least. But on my worst days it actually shows me the truth of myself.

I’m glad that I’m not “Miss Positivity” all the fucking time like Ruby is. She hosted for quite some time there. And people would actually tell us they thought we were the most positive person they’ve ever met. Little did they know it was just an overly positive part of us that was parading around only showing a fraction of the way we actually are.

Sometimes I will beat myself up because I can’t be more like “Ruby”. Everything seemed to come so easily for her. She is like a superwoman in my eyes at times. But when I really take a look at it, I know that it’s not realistic the way she is.

So really I think I’d prefer to be authentically me than to be someone I’m not. As hard as I try though I still can’t quite be myself. But that’s because now it actually takes a conscious effort most of the time to be that way, to be whatever me even is, because of what these crap people in this crap life have stolen from me.

I actually really have always wanted to die. I’ve always wanted to fucking kill myself. But then one day I realized that I don’t know what’s going to happen when I die, so really there’s actually no point. It could actually be worse than life. I could just come back and repeat the same shit all over again. So here I am, still living, and still putting a smile on my face like everyone else just so I can survive. But I’m fucking sick of it.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it though. I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow or someday after that and once again try to make the most out of this life even though I don’t want to fucking be here. And that really sucks. Because it’s not actually genuine. I gave up a long time ago on life. But at the same time I keep trying. I still end up hitting a brick fucking wall. And no matter how many people tell me what I should be doing and what they think will be best for me, it’s never going to do me any good.

So yeah, if anyone has a problem with how I live my life and how I view it, then they can just get the fuck off my lawn. You’re not going to change me. You obviously don’t accept me. So you might as well stop trying. I’m not someone you can mold into your perfect little person that’s going to do all these super awesome things. Get over it.

 

Written by : Violet

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Multiplicity – Do You See Us? (Ashley)

Black Lives Matter.

I see this written everywhere. I understand why it’s so important to people now. I used to not see the point of only talking about one group of people, because I felt like it was excluding everyone else. I felt like it just added onto the division that is already so apparent in our society. But now I see that sometimes you have to put the focus on one group of individuals because the division already exists.

It’s really sad that certain races do get treated differently than others. There’s so many stereotypes that have become extremely harmful, and have lead to so many deaths of innocent people.

But when I see this I can’t help but to think about myself and others like me. This may seem like it’s selfish, but I think about how many lives have been stolen when it comes to people that are multiple and no one even bats an eye. They don’t even really know how many people like us exist and still believe that being multiple is rare when it actually isn’t.

It’s believed that people who are labeled with Dissociative Identity Disorder alone make up 1% of the population at the very least. It’s actually underdiagnosed and there’s so much controversy around it where people still don’t even believe multiplicity even exists.

So can you imagine how many of us suffer in silence not even aware of our multiplicity and/or are aware but have to hide it because of the way it’s viewed in this society? Do you have any idea how many of us have probably committed suicide over the years because of the lack of research, compassion, and understanding of our multiplicity?

Not only that but we are made to look like we are crazy psycho killers in the media so it makes people not even want to pay attention to us. Many of us have had such traumatic lives and never get the love and support we so desperately need. We have to stay so quiet and hidden that we can’t even fight for our own rights. We are also the ones that are put into programs like Project Monarch, tortured, and experimented on until we are sent to our deaths through being targeted and covertly harassed until we off ourselves.

So I ask myself this question…Do the lives of those who are multiple really matter to people? Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it. We don’t get any coverage when it comes to the truth of what’s actually happening to us. The truth is that most of us are victims of the corrupt who are in power, the same people that are being treated like gods, yet no one even notices. People see our multiplicity as something to be afraid of instead of something that should be accepted and that kills us inside everyday until we do finally kick the bucket for good.

Just because we are a minority doesn’t mean that our lives don’t matter. But you don’t see anyone speaking up for us. You don’t see protests going on to protect those who are multiple. Because no one gives a flying fuck. So yeah it hurts. It hurts when I see things like Black Lives Matter but never anything about how Multiplicity lives matter. We are just left in the dark, and no one ever comes looking for us.

But I’m tired of waiting and that’s why I’m speaking out. You may think I’m disrespecting Black Lives Matter by writing this post. But this is my truth. This is how I feel. Someone has to say something when no one else will.

 

Written by : Ashley

Hell On Earth (Suicidal Thoughts)

I feel like I’m on life support and I’m just hoping that someone will pull the plug soon. I’m barely holding on, but I’m not hanging on the edge because I’ve already dropped off the cliff. I just didn’t die when I reached the bottom. My bones are broken and I can’t move, no one is around. I don’t want to get up though, I just want to stay here until my very last breath. I have nothing to live for anymore, I don’t think I ever did. I just keep giving myself reasons to think that I should keep going because I don’t want the torture I’ve gone through to be all for nothing. But it seems absolutely hopeless.

I have no passion for that which I was once passionate about. It’s forced because I feel like I have to do it, because I feel like I have to still be here. I’m just passing time. I’m just surviving. Nothing more, nothing less. I can hear you laughing, I know you think my pain is funny. That because I’m only talking about it, and not actually going through with ending it all, you think that this is some sort of joke. But it’s not a joke. I just have a preference for the way I want to die, and I’m sure you think that’s funny too. I don’t want the programmed suicide alters to kill me, I want to do it myself. But I know I’ll probably fail at it, just like I always do, and I’ll wake up in an even worst position with no way to actually escape this hell.

 

Written by : Serenity

Life Feels Like A Dream, But We Still Have To Live It

It’s crazy how we can wake up from a dream, and the reality we come back to seems more like a dream than the one we just left. Sometimes I’ve wondered if life is just a dream, and I’m out there sleeping somewhere just waiting to wake up when I die. This life has just been too out of this world to believe it’s real. Yet at the same time it can be so mundane that the opposite notion also holds true.

I feel like I’m just wasting my life away, just living to survive. I don’t feel like I’m even close to reaching my full potential. I don’t know if I ever will be. But then I think about how difficult things are. How can I expect myself to do better than this? And even if I was capable of more, it still wouldn’t be enough. I have set the standards so high for myself. I’ve made it so I can never reach this level of perfection I’m striving for. Maybe I do it so I’ll never have a reason to really live in the moment and feel good about my accomplishments. Or maybe it’s just heavy duty programming and mind-control.

Whenever we set the bar too high, it’s usually out of fear of success. So you make it near impossible to reach a point where you can feel good about yourself and how far you’ve come. This fear keeps you on your toes. It keeps you not even wanting to be here. It makes it so your anxiety is so high that you no longer feel passionate about your passions. This passion is what fuels your success. Because when you have a grip on it, you not only create more, but you feel successful with what you’ve already created so far. You realize that you’re a success right now. You don’t need to do anything more to prove your self-worth. You just do it because you love it.

I feel like I’m falling apart because I let fear get the best of me. It’s not my fault. It’s the trauma-based mind-control I was put under. It makes it so I can rarely find true joy in my life. I live in the past and I live in the future. I can’t help that. It’s just a matter of how I can use that to my advantage. I might never really be present. But I can take the torture and trauma from my past and turn it into something beautiful, creative, and self-expressive. I can take the future and use it as something to look forward to instead. I can see the unknown as something exciting, as a big adventure.

But none of this is easy. Trust me, I’ve tried to do this time and time again. And for moments at a time it works. But most of the time I struggle deeply with all of this. The programming holds me back. It tells me that I’m worthless. It tells me that I can never be truly loved. It tells me that I’m not safe. It tells me that I should kill myself. And there are so many things that have happened and continue to happen that proves all of these beliefs to be true in one way or another.

I was treated like I was worthless. I never experienced unconditional love from anyone in my life. I wasn’t safe all those times I was abused. I have suicide programming installed. I can’t change these things, but I can change how I view them. It’s just a matter of holding on to the new beliefs that I’m trying to believe now that I’ve begun healing. I always go back to the old belief systems. This is because it’s so deeply embedded in me. Whatever beliefs you ended up with while you’re developing in childhood, end up becoming apart of that subconscious programming. It takes years and year of constant repetition and dedication to change it. So I try not to beat myself up about it.

I have to keep putting the new programming in, and it does take a lot of work but I think it’s worth it. I show myself I am worth something by reminding myself that I don’t need to do anything to achieve worth. I was born worthy, and I will always be worthy. I am loved because I already am love, no matter how anyone outside of myself treats me. The one I’m still working on is feeling safe. I don’t know how to really convince myself of that one or to stop the suicide programming. But I noticed that as soon as I build enough confidence in myself and find reasons to live, it helps. Music helps. Writing helps. Singing helps. Dancing helps. Taking videos helps. It’s a combination of things.

The thing is it doesn’t matter if this feels like a dream that seems so unreal because I’m here now, and I’m living in it. The things that happened to me may seem very out there, and what I experience now just seems so unfathomable. But I’m still experiencing them. I have to face this. I still have to get up everyday and live my life. As long as I don’t give up completely, I can’t really go wrong. Just one foot in front of the other. I may feel like I’m dragging myself out of bed most days. I may feel like it takes so much energy to do just about everything. But I have to do it. I have to keep going. I have to let life take me where I’m meant to go. It’s all I can do. I don’t know where I’ll end up when I die. But I do know what life is like so I might as well just live it.

 

Written by : Serenity

Stranger To Myself – Dissociative Identity Disorder – Multiplicity

I feel like a fraud when it comes to my own life because I know that I didn’t really live it myself, at least not in the way most people do. I was barely even here, but even so, my body remembers everything. It’s confusing when you feel like you’ve experienced your entire life, but at the same time you feel like you weren’t there at all. I guess you could say it was from a different perspective, but what perspective is that really? It changed throughout the years. Sometimes I felt like I was the one in the drivers seat, and the others were always lingering in the background. Other times I felt like I was standing off to the side, or behind another person who was taking over my body. But then there were times I felt like I wasn’t there at all. It doesn’t matter that I felt like I wasn’t there at all at times because my body never forgot so therefore I was still there. People think that when your soul leaves and you come back to your body you feel like you didn’t experience any of it, but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. My body still went through all of it, every last horrible thing that ever happened to me. The only difference is that I was experiencing what they call dissociation.

But really it’s like I died and came back to life. I just picked up right where I left off without a clue that someone else was actually living my life while I was gone. I didn’t remember that I didn’t remember. I always knew something just wasn’t right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Because how can you know that someone else has taken over, if you don’t know that it’s even a possibility? You’ll look past all the gaps in your memory, and sometimes even fill it in just so it can make sense. This isn’t something that you’re doing consciously, it’s just something that happens. I never meant to lie to myself, I just went with where my life took me next. It’s called going with the flow.

It wasn’t until the last week in May 2016 that it finally hit me, that I wasn’t the only person living my life. I thought I was her, Ashley, the girl that most people knew as me. I thought that I was a promiscuous girl who did a lot of drugs and wanted to kill herself. But it wasn’t actually me, well maybe the wanting to commit suicide part was, but that’s beside the point. I’m still not sure sometimes who I really am, because I feel like a collection of everything my alters became while I was out of it. I had to go off of whatever my brain convinced me I was. So when I finally realized that I wasn’t really Ashley and I had been tricked into believing that I was, everything changed.

I was a blank page. I felt empty, yet I had a fresh new start to finally create myself because I didn’t have a self, or so I thought. I still don’t really know really know who the real me is, and I don’t know if I ever will. This is because people develop a sense of self through their life experiences. But what if your sense of self is based off of a life that you didn’t even really live yourself? To say the least it has been a mind-fuck and at first I was having black-outs pretty much every time I would come into the body, and I wouldn’t stay very long at all, because I couldn’t handle life. Life is hard especially after you’ve gone through the amount of trauma we have, and it’s even harder when you never really faced up to that trauma yourself. I just disappeared and let other people take the fall. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was never really my choice. I needed protection so I was given it. I was just a child and I had no idea what was going on with me. Somehow my brain just knew that I needed to go away and let someone else save the day or else I would be dead or would’ve never been able to function again because I would’ve gone mad.

For the first time in my life I had to really live it. I still have other people take over, but now I’m the one that’s out the most. I can’t run away anymore from myself. I can no longer be a stranger to myself. I have to take charge of my life now and really make the most of it. It’s been difficult though because a lot of days I have trouble accomplishing very much at all. Once you’ve been through all this trauma, you have to recover from it, and sometimes that means you’re going to barely feel like you can move, breathe, and do just about anything. And that makes me feel like a failure a lot of days, like I’m just wasting this opportunity I’ve been given. I finally get to tell my story but who’s story is it really? Sometimes I’m really not sure that I should even be the one telling it. It’s not fair to her, to them, that they can barely use the body anymore when it’s finally time to heal from all the pain they were put through. If I had it my way I would share it , but because we were put under trauma-based mind-control it makes things a lot more complicated. Now when they try to come out, it’s usually not for long because the programming causes complete and utter chaos to make it so they can’t work through their flashbacks without me getting lost in the shuffle. Once again they have to save Serenity, the girl who can never seem to stay put. And yeah it’s not really my fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that it feels like it is.

I came back into this life moved all the way across the country and the only person my alters knew in person took advantage of me. I was scared and I just wanted a friend. But what I got instead was a guy who played with my dirty underwear when he came over and made me feel very uncomfortable. This guy was the first impression I got of this world and it wasn’t a good one. I had my boundaries crossed and I was in a very vulnerable position. I didn’t understand and I felt so alone. I felt like all these people online seemed to know me, but I didn’t know them. I knew I had been abused by many people in my life because of the videos my alters took, but I still didn’t really feel like I experienced any of it at first. After a little while I finally start breaking down the amnesia walls and feeling like this was actually my life. Luckily it didn’t take too long and now I’ve been standing on my own two feet, barely, but just enough to make it.

I don’t know what my future holds but I know I want to help people. I know I want to heal, laugh, and play. I want to follow my passions and express myself in ways I never thought possible. But I can’t help feeling guilty because I know my alters won’t be able to get enough time in the body to do the same. I still feel like this is their body too and they have every right to use it. But it’s just not possible, even if the programming wasn’t trying to destroy us all the time. There are over 100 of us and there’s not enough time for each and every one of us to live a full life. It’s sad but it’s the truth and is one of the things that has been really hard for a lot of us to accept, including me. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like a child. I feel naïve. I feel like I’m just getting started. And that needs to be okay, so I can really make a difference in this world. So I can finally take the wheel of my life and just drive. I don’t need to have a destination, it’s the journey that counts from what I hear. So I guess I just need to go, go as far as I can take myself with everything I got. I think I’m finally ready, ready to live life.

 

Written by : Serenity