I wish I could actually be able to enjoy the moment the majority of the time, but then I guess I wouldn’t be me. I also know that my mind analyzes every last little thing, scans my environment constantly, and tries to plan everything out to protect me. It thinks that if it does all of this then I may be able to avoid a dangerous and/or painful situation. Maybe I might be able to prevent myself from going into a panic attack in public. Whatever the reason, it thinks it is doing the right thing. So it’s something I’m trying to accept instead of staying mad at it. The things it does to try to relieve anxiety actually end up causing me even more anxiety sometimes, and I guess I just get a wee bit frustrated.
Sometimes I forget that I do have my limitations, but then other times I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I do accomplish by going outside of my comfort zone. I’m trying to find a balance, but I can’t do that if I keep pushing myself too far, or not enough. It’s hard to know where the middle ground is and if that’s even possible. Well actually I know it’s possible, because I’ve reached that place before. It took a lot of struggling along the way to get there though.
This whole idea of traveling is something I genuinely want to do. And I think a lot of people feel the same way where they want to as well. I’m tired of saying “someday” I’ll do this or that. I want to be able to go right NOW…but my mind and body just won’t let me. It shuts down. I become paralyzed. I get sick as hell. And sometimes it’s good to have things planned out. You don’t want to have to spend extra money when you don’t have to right? You want to make sure you’re going to be staying at a place that you’re going to be comfortable enough to be able to sleep. For us we have to eat specific types of foods, so we have to make sure all the right foods are close by, and then transportation is also something to think about. But going to a new place and trying to figure all of this out, and then having to do it all over again in another few days to a week doesn’t exactly seem ideal to me considering how overwhelmed I’m already getting trying to plan out this first trip. The weather has to work for us as well, or else we won’t be able to spend the time in nature that we want to, which is one of the main reasons we even want to travel… to expand our horizons beyond just going to the local parks in the area.
Everything has to line up perfectly no matter where we go because if we end up stranded as disabled as we are then it could turn really ugly. I try to remember I’m not like other people, but sometimes even with that knowledge I set the bar a little too high for myself.
Like when I made that last post…I was trying to be hopeful and believe anything is possible. But jumping too far ahead saying I’d actually be able to meet new people and socialize for a place to stay so I could save money was a bit too much. And because I told everyone about it, it made me that much more insecure about my situation, like now everyone is expecting so much more out of me than I’m actually capable of. It’s like it totally slipped my mind how difficult that would actually be since currently we can’t even stand to be around people at a distance, let alone be expected to socialize. We don’t have the capacity to do that. Even just those interactions we have where we go out and about where we are now that only last a few minutes with automatic responses take a huge toll on us.
Something that happened yesterday really showed me how important it is for me to have things planned out, and to not put myself in situations that could be dire to my health and well-being (social interactions for example). I need to take baby steps into this direction of traveling the west side of my country. I might not be able to leave right away until I feel ready to go as much as that kills me to say that.
I have to make sure I’m not doing things just because I feel like it’s the only way or that I have to. I should do it only because I want to. I also have to actually be capable of doing such a thing. If I don’t actually want to be around people, that’s not only not fair to me, but it isn’t fair to them either for me to take up a offer to stay at someone’s place just because I want to use them to be able to save money. And it could be detrimental to my health and happiness if I’m not actually able to handle such a situation, especially so shortly after my experience in St. Louis (which I haven’t disclosed yet) but it did have to do with the person who was letting me stay there. I can’t jump into such a vulnerable situation even if it’s only staying with someone for a few days I don’t know. I’m still trying to recover from what just happened to me. And I really don’t think I could even sleep in the same house with someone I don’t know because of how bad my hyper vigilance is in relation to my C-PTSD. I had the place to myself in St. Louis, and it still wasn’t a situation that ended up working out. Whether it’s a long-term or short-term situation with any person, it’s just not something I’m ready for right now. I got myself so deeply entangled with this person, and I’m still trying to unravel the knots.
I really want to be able to make this happen not just to actually enjoy the experience with what little life I feel I have left, but because I want to prove to myself that I can do it without another person being there to hold my hand. But then that brings me to my self-worth. I ask myself…am I really doing this for ALL the right reasons? Or is one the reasons to prove my worth to myself and others? To prove that these abusive/toxic people in my life didn’t break me, and that I can actually be happy? I don’t want that to be one of my reasons. I want to do it for the sheer joy of it! Yes, I am also wanting to do it so I can find my place in this world considering Portland doesn’t feel like my home anymore. But I want my top priority to be just to do it because I think it will be an enjoyable enriching experience. Not because I need to prove anything. And this is part of what I think has stopped me in my tracks, and is keeping me here.
One way or another I’m going to try my very best to live a life I can be proud of that’s authentically aligned with my personal truth and integrity. I took the first step leaving St. Louis but now I need to take another step. I’m just not sure what that is going to be yet. But I do know that it will be my decision, and my decision alone not influenced by another person (as much as I can help it). Because one thing I desperately need to do is find myself again because I definitely feel like I lost a huge chunk of myself in St. Louis. I need to stand on my own two feet again, and finally be free of the chains that have been wrapped around me sucking the life out of me.
Written by : Violet