Compulsive Checking Confessions (Violet)

This is something that I don’t really talk about very often but it actually is a big part of the way I am in everyday life. I actually think a part of me is ashamed of being this way. It’s something I definitely struggle with controlling. And that is my compulsive checking.

I check my phone all day long, just refreshing it over and over again. I do this same thing when it comes to checking my email, Facebook notifications, and YouTube channel. I feel a lot of anxiety if I don’t do this, and feel that I won’t get any relief until I do so. But then it causes me even more anxiety just in a different way when I can’t stop checking.

This is part of why it can be really upsetting for me if someone doesn’t tell me the exact time they are coming over or are going to be contacting me because then it ends up making me check these things even more to make sure I’m not missing their text. My phone doesn’t go off when I get texts or calls so that makes it that much more anxiety provoking. This is also why I have to deactivate my Facebook all the time. I can’t just log out and be able to leave Facebook alone. I also have to check if I logged out because I’ll forget that I just did. For some reason when I have Facebook activated, if I don’t log out every time I leave to do something else, it causes me a massive amount of anxiety.

Facebook is actually probably the worst out of everything when it comes to the effect it has on me if I don’t check it. I’ll make jokes sometimes about me always deactivating my Facebook because “Ha Ha This site is extremely addictive, and it’s the only way I can stay off of here”…but the problem is actually much deeper than that. What makes it even worse is that people will think I’ve blocked them because I’ve deactivated it, and will even remove me from the support groups I’m apart of. It hurts like hell to know you’re not welcome in a support group because you’re trying to gain control of a very serious issue that debilitates you in your day to day life. And of course it also triggers up those feelings of rejection, but that’s a whole other blog post.

I know that many people probably don’t understand why I have to deactivate it, especially as frequently as I have to do it. I noticed recently when I deactivate it, it allows people to still be able to message me even though I’m gone. This ends up adding to my anxiety that all these people are messaging me and pushes that urge even harder to reactivate it and check what people are saying to me. Some people might think this is funny, but it’s really not. It’s fucking horrible, and quite embarrassing. This is an extremely debilitating thing to have to go through. I spend a huge chunk of my day either checking or thinking about checking until I finally do it with so many different things in my life.

I also have to check my keys in my wallet every time I leave to go anywhere from wherever I am multiple times. I have to check that everything is in my bag over and over again. This might stem from being afraid that I’ll lose the keys, forget my keys, or forget something else that I might need. I bring things that I think I could possibly need if certain things happen that are really scary like if it starts raining, because rain causes me extreme pain sensory wise. Sometimes I’ll even bring an extra pair of shoes just in case my shoes break because of the fear of being barefoot outside.

This can lead into a lot of other fears like if I’m barefoot and it’s hot out then I won’t be able to make it home. What if I step on something sharp and end up being taken advantage of because I can’t run away if someone attacks me? What if I need to go inside somewhere and they won’t let me in because I have no shoes on. I need to be prepared for any kind of weather or situation that could arise.

I also end up shutting and locking the door repeatedly until I finally feel relieved enough to leave the apartment. This I think is because of my fear of not locking and shutting the door all the way because someone might break in. I also fear that I need to check the door is not broken so I know I’ll be able to get back inside if I unlock it when I come back home.

And not as often but I do this as well is that I need to check to make sure the stove and oven aren’t on before I leave. I also do this quite a few times. I’ve even left the building, walked a few blocks, and had to turn all the way back around just to go check the stove and oven again even though I just checked it. Sometimes I’m not sure how much of this is amnesia and just not remembering, and how much is my compulsive checking. But either way, it fucking sucks.

I actually just went to do laundry, and I put some of my clothes in the dryer including my special purple blanket. When I went to get the rest of the stuff out of the washer, I saw that my purple blanket was not there and panicked thinking someone had stole it. But it turned out that I just dissociated and forgot that I had just put the purple blanket in the dryer only seconds before. Maybe I switched… who knows? All I know is that fear of forgetting things because I actually do all the time I think causes me to compulsively check a lot as well.

I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell. But no one really knows this part of it. Well now you do. Hopefully this may help others feel less alone that can relate, or just bring about some understanding of something that people like me go through. As always I appreciate you taking the time to get to know me, and to hearing me out. It really makes a huge difference to have a voice, especially when I’m always trying to isolate myself. I have no one I feel comfortable opening up to and can trust, so going public about these things is the only way I don’t allow it to bottle up and destroy me.

 

Written by : Violet

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Your Fake Little World (Violet)

TRIGGER WARNING

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You know something that I’ve noticed is that when you tell people how you feel, they tend to respond in a way that just makes it worse. They rarely say exactly what you’d like to hear and if they do it still doesn’t make you feel any better. At least this is my experience in life. I just see a bunch of people with their heads in the clouds or in the sand lying to themselves. They tell themselves this wonderful story about life that is complete and utter bullshit to make themselves feel better.

I’m not saying that I haven’t done the exact same thing, because oh boy I certainly have! It’s survival when we do this. But it’s pretend. It’s pretend happiness that we convince ourselves that we are experiencing. I try to hold my tongue because I don’t want to crush their vision. I figure I might as well let them do what they think actually helps. Really it’s just a band-aid that eventually comes off again only to show the same wound is still there. You were just covering it up.

When I write inspirational shit that people at least think it’s inspirational, it’s actually pretty fucking fake, just like everything and everyone else in this world. I realize that people like me the most when I can be inspiring to them. But take that all way and they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Because then I’d be too negative for their liking. If I didn’t put a spin on everything I fucking say to sound more positive to their ears, they would turn the other cheek eventually.

I notice that people tend to drop off the more real I get with myself, where I don’t sugarcoat shit. I just let it all out. And I know it probably sounds mean. But at least it’s what I really want to say. So frankly I’d rather not give a flying fuck. But I do. I always fucking do. That’s just another thing to add to the list of what I hate about this fucking world. And yeah today was definitely not one of my better days to say the least. But on my worst days it actually shows me the truth of myself.

I’m glad that I’m not “Miss Positivity” all the fucking time like Ruby is. She hosted for quite some time there. And people would actually tell us they thought we were the most positive person they’ve ever met. Little did they know it was just an overly positive part of us that was parading around only showing a fraction of the way we actually are.

Sometimes I will beat myself up because I can’t be more like “Ruby”. Everything seemed to come so easily for her. She is like a superwoman in my eyes at times. But when I really take a look at it, I know that it’s not realistic the way she is.

So really I think I’d prefer to be authentically me than to be someone I’m not. As hard as I try though I still can’t quite be myself. But that’s because now it actually takes a conscious effort most of the time to be that way, to be whatever me even is, because of what these crap people in this crap life have stolen from me.

I actually really have always wanted to die. I’ve always wanted to fucking kill myself. But then one day I realized that I don’t know what’s going to happen when I die, so really there’s actually no point. It could actually be worse than life. I could just come back and repeat the same shit all over again. So here I am, still living, and still putting a smile on my face like everyone else just so I can survive. But I’m fucking sick of it.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it though. I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow or someday after that and once again try to make the most out of this life even though I don’t want to fucking be here. And that really sucks. Because it’s not actually genuine. I gave up a long time ago on life. But at the same time I keep trying. I still end up hitting a brick fucking wall. And no matter how many people tell me what I should be doing and what they think will be best for me, it’s never going to do me any good.

So yeah, if anyone has a problem with how I live my life and how I view it, then they can just get the fuck off my lawn. You’re not going to change me. You obviously don’t accept me. So you might as well stop trying. I’m not someone you can mold into your perfect little person that’s going to do all these super awesome things. Get over it.

 

Written by : Violet

The Murder Of My Sexual Being

TRIGGER WARNING

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I’ve always felt this dark, filthy, grimy, sick feeling when it comes to my sexuality. But as I’ve moved forward in time it has only gotten worse. There were points where I really thought I’d be able to experience what it’s like to have a healthy sexual experience even if it was just with myself, but that ended up being torn to shreds.

I’m at this place in my life where I feel like there is no hope when it comes to this aspect of myself. I don’t think that it will ever get better as I heal. Not that long ago I was still able to feel a spark, even if it was just a small spark of true beauty and soul when I looked or felt my naked body. But recently as I lay bare or get any feeling of wanting to touch myself I get repulsed right away. I feel like I have no real desire for sexual pleasure anymore. The only thing that’s left I just want to bury. The only thing that’s left is the abuse. The only thing that is left holds no real value.

It only grips me tighter and tighter and tries to make me think, feel, and do disgusting things. I don’t find any enjoyment when pleasuring myself. I only feel like I’m being raped, but I also feel like I’m the rapist. I mourn this part of me that was taken from me. I wouldn’t say it was a long time ago though. It may have started being taken from me then, but like I said there was still a shred of hope. It’s gone now.

The one thing I felt unconditional romantic and sexual love for turned out to be an illusion. It turned out to just be an abuser. It turned out to be against me. It played me. It feels no different than being with a relationship with someone for years only to realize they’ve been raping you the entire time you were with them. They killed my sexuality. It was already bruised, battered, and torn….but this time they murdered it.

No one will ever understand this pain, unless they’ve lived through it themselves. You will read my words, but you don’t have a fucking clue. You may even think this is funny. I hear them all laughing at me, so why wouldn’t you laugh too? It’s funny that the life has been sucked right out of me isn’t it? Or maybe you will just feel sorry for me, and I will feel like I’m a pathetic piece of shit even more than I did to begin with. I’m not sure which is worse. Either way it’s better than living a lie. Living a lie that gives you false hope that dreams come true, and love really exists.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love myself. I know that’s an important part of really experiencing the love we all crave. We search for it in other people, but the truth is until we feel it for ourselves, we still lie awake knowing something is missing. That isn’t meant to make anyone feel bad, like no one will ever love them unless they love themselves. But the truth is your experience of love with another person will always be tainted with shame, self-hate, and a lack of compassion for who you are until you are able to love every part of you.

I’m just glad I can finally admit these things to myself instead of living in la la land. I might be a lot more depressed. And it might feel like I’m just spiraling downwards. But at least I’m not a fool anymore, at least when it comes to this thing called love.

 

Written by : Ashley / maybe Violet? (lots of passive influence while writing lately)

Compassion For Abusive Alters In A RA/MC System (Ashley)

TRIGGER WARNING

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Something that has become clear to me is that insiders who are programmed to do certain things to keep you in line really are doing it because they have been convinced that it’s in your best interest. They don’t realize that the organized group of abusers who trained them to do their assigned jobs are the ones who are in the wrong and that they are getting them to do things that are actually hurting themselves. This is because even though it’s a different alter they are abusing, they are actually hurting the whole system when they do these things because they are also apart of this system.

They think that they are being loyal to people who made them believe that they have infinite power. They were punished for not doing what they were told. And they may have been rewarded for complying with the groups wishes. These rewards may not involve them getting candy or toys to play with. They could’ve been rewarded in much more sadistic ways like being given permission to hurt someone else instead of themselves getting hurt. But this can also be a punishment. It depends on the individual. They may think that they will get to reach a higher ranking position with the group, and this can make them feel important and special, little do they know that all of this is based on lies, tricks, and deception.

They are told to be a good little girl and boy. Being good means something completely different to someone who is put through this type of mind-control than what it actually means. They think they are being good when they are punishing other members of the system. A lot of times they actually believe they are protecting the system and keeping it safe. Safe is also another word that can be distorted, along with the word love. Safety could mean always following the programming and doing exactly what your masters says. Love could mean sexual ritualistic torture.  The way you experience intimacy is completely warped by these people, and can ruin it for you for the rest of your life, especially if you still have beta sex slaves in your system that haven’t broken free of the programming put in place.

I think one of the hardest parts of recovery with this type of thing is that it’s so complex and in depth. A lot of survivors have very large systems. This means that there are so many alters that can have a piece of each traumatic memory. And it isn’t just one alter has one part of the memory as in the first part, middle part, and last part. A lot of times this is divided up among the different senses and emotions. One alter can see the experience, another one will hear what’s going on, another will hold the fear, another will hold the sadness, etc. etc. If you don’t find all the alters in your system, the memory work can’t be completed. You also have to get all of them to be willing to do so, and a lot of times that can be a very hard thing to do if they haven’t recognized they’ve been put under mind-control and want to try to break down the programming.

Some alters are harder to find than others, especially if you have had trouble accessing your inner-world. You have to figure out how your abusers structured it and organized the alters inside of it. You have to be able to build communication with these alters. This can be done in many different ways and is different from system to system. A lot of times the alters need to move from their assigned spots in the inner-world. And sometimes it’s also good for them to be able to take on a new role that may end up being similar to the one they had before but is not so abusive, and actually helps with the healing and greater good of the system. I think it’s great to allow the alters the freedom of choice though, because that’s something that they never got from their abusers.

This is definitely a lot of work but it feels worth it. If you don’t do anything about this, then it sneaks up on you, and a lot of times you end up doing very self-destructive things when you ignore the trauma, the pain, and the programming. It can more easily control you, if you don’t get some sort of grip on what’s going on. Having some sort of awareness can help tremendously. That doesn’t mean you have to work yourself to death. It’s best to take baby steps and not push yourself further than you’re capable of going in a day because then you can end up being burnt out for a long time and not be able to get anything done for awhile. It takes a lot of patience and love and care towards every member of the system.

These alters whether they are abusive are not need and deserve compassion from you. It may hurt how many times they may have tricked you or hurt you in some way. But they are only doing what they were told to do as a child, and are victims of this abuse. They really don’t know any better. If you leave them to rot, it does no good for anyone. Locking them up is not a solution and can actually remind them of some of the abuse they went through. Sometimes you have to make mistakes like this to realize what the right thing to do is. And that’s okay. We all learn from trial and error and I believe all of us survivors have the ability to beat this thing.

 

Written by : Ashley

What I Think About This #MeToo Movement (Ashley)

It hurts me to see so much division. I wish that people could just find a common ground. But instead everyone is fighting, and there seems to be no real solutions and empathy towards one another. I was scrolling around the internet today and there was so much that I read that made me cringe.

I came across some YouTube videos of men who are against this #MeToo movement because they are afraid that they will be falsely accused of sexual harassment and sexual abuse. I completely understand why anyone would be afraid of something like this happening. I know how it feels to have false rumors spread about me. It never impacted my employment but it did impact my reputation. It also wasn’t over legal matters, but I can relate. The issue with this is that the system is very flawed. Guilty people go free, and innocent people go to jail all the time. So to say that the only way someone can truly be guilty of something is if the victim has proof 20 years later or however long it takes to break the silence is pretty unreasonable.

The truth is a lot of times there isn’t proof that these things happen, witnesses, or anything that will back up a persons story. But that doesn’t make it not true. People also don’t understand what consent really is. Now the issue is that some people will go as far as saying that someone staring at them across the room and smiling is sexual harassment. A lot of men in particular seem to be afraid of even talking to women now  because they are afraid of being accused of being inappropriate and I admit that sucks. But it also sucks for those of us who have been afraid for years of people assaulting us because abuse has become normalized in our society, and is actually a very common thing people do. People will just laugh and tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing when you get upset about someone grabbing or spanking your ass without your consent.  They will tell you that you shouldn’t have gotten drunk or wore “sexy” clothing if you didn’t want to be raped.

I’ve definitely been the victim of victim-blaming. I shouldn’t have done this, I should’ve done that, I should’ve prevented it is what I’d hear from all around me. It’s not my fault that people didn’t have respect for me. It’s not my fault they didn’t take no for an answer the first time. That’s another thing a lot of people seem to do, is they think that when someone says no, that just means to keep trying, and they end up assaulting them over and over again. You don’t have to actually say the word No for something to be a No. No could be you pushing their hand away, pulling away from them, crying, being completely frozen and silent. Because when someone is afraid of someone in sexual abuse scenarios, they can freeze up (this is actually a trauma response) and not be able to verbalize certain things. This is especially true for disabled people, people with communication difficulties, and those who were abused in childhood who never learned how to set boundaries. But the truth is even when you set boundaries, people ignore them.

As far as I can tell this movement didn’t happen so every woman can just falsely accuse a man, though there are women and men who do this. The whole point of the movement is to give people a voice who have been abused the chance to speak out finally about the abuse they went through. I will admit that this movement is more focused on women being the only victims, and men always be the perpetrators. That is my biggest issue with the movement, because I have been sexually abused by women. We also sexually abused a girl in childhood because of a lack of awareness of what abuse actually was. We were repeating what abusers did to us in childhood. We thought abuse was normal, and abuse was love. So I completely understand why there might be some confusion about what abuse actually entails. I also know that women have sexually abused men. Putting the focus on a specific gender against another gender is surely going to cause problems and only bring about division among all of us.

I just think that we need to really listen to each other. We need to fix the problem of sexual abuse in this society, but we also need to find some middle ground here. I think employers shouldn’t fire someone based off of just an accusation alone, but there should be some sort of solution to making sure the person who feels as if they’ve been victimized is accommodated. I think that people should learn about what consent really is so there aren’t any misunderstandings. I also think it’s not fair that these guilty parties get to roam free and sexually abuse more people while you expect their victims to stay silent just because they don’t have proof. A lot of these perpetrators will actually threaten the victims life if they are to ever tell, so to shame them for coming out years later is really not cool at all. People can choose to either believe them or not believe. That is up to them. But no one can really know what happened except for the two or more people involved. Everyone’s voice deserves to be heard, and we have every right to tell people who our abusers are.

Really I just think we all need to try to get along, but some people refuse to see the other person’s point of view. Maybe it’s difficult for them to do because they’ve never been in their position before and experienced what they have experienced, but we need to at least try to understand. I believe we should keep an open mind and an open heart about these things while also standing tall in our own truth. I hope all of this will end up bringing us closer together, instead of making it so we drift even further apart.

 

Written by : Ashley

 

Programmed Insiders – Keeping Secrets (Ashley)

TRIGGER WARNING

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Secrets…all these dirty little secrets the insiders are keeping. It’s not their fault that they are hiding them, or punish us when we seek them out. They were trained to do so by people who clearly have a very dark agenda.

It still doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with though, especially when you try to speak out about anything they were taught we are not allowed to tell. You want them to trust you, but you also don’t want to become a doormat.

You know that if you try to do anything that they have been programmed to stop you from doing that you are going to pay a heavy price for it. Every step forward feels like you’re just inching along and then hit with these big massive blows that send you falling backwards a million more steps.

This is what recovery looks like when you’re trying to unlock the programming when you’re a RA/MC survivor. People don’t realize how complex all of this is and even how dangerous it can be at times. But you still have to do it if you ever want to heal and to stop being controlled by these insiders who were programmed to perform certain tasks within a system. You’ll think you’ve started really figuring things out, and then you realize how much more there still is to discover. It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially when sometimes it can knock you out for days at a time where you can barely function because every move you take towards healing makes it so you are tortured in so many different ways by them, just as your abusers did.

These insiders unfortunately learn from the abusers, so they do things that they were taught were in the best interest of the system. They are more often than not, extremely abusive themselves. It doesn’t matter if they feel they have good intentions. This is something that no one should have to live with. But we keep fighting every chance we can to get our voices out there. Right now I’m writing in this blog because we are not able to speak about it anymore on video, at least for the time being. But it’s still very difficult to get to the things that we aren’t supposed to talk about. I keep writing and writing and hoping that it will eventually just spill out all over the page.

Ever since we got this therapeutic sort of workbook for overcoming mind-control and ritual abuse, and really getting to know more of our system, everything has really been shaken up. We were definitely being silenced before, but now it feels even more extreme and more frequent. We are also starting to figure out which insiders are sending out these internal punishments most of the time when we are aware it’s happening.

Angel (male protector) in our system is the one who usually takes care of the different alters in the inner-world who show up either at the castle door, or just seem to appear out of no where, almost like there are portals that just open up. I will ask him when I’m fronting if he sees anyone there when I’m receiving the punishment, and he will usually find them. He does a very good job at working with the “new” alters we find. The reason the word “new” is in quotation marks is because they are not actually new, because they’ve been there the whole time. They are just new to our awareness.

So far we know that we have at least a few hundred alters (technically most of them are fragments but we don’t really like to use that word). We haven’t gone much further than the castle and where the darklands used to be. But we are finding so many alters in the castle and just right outside of it. We’ve discovered that these alters are a lot of times hiding right in plain sight. There are certain structures that are invisible to us at first but then they will just appear and the alter will be inside of them. We’ve also found alters that seem to be built as apart of the structure. We found a little boy one night in our inner-world who was apart of the castle wall. Because we’ve started really digging deep into the inner-world, we’ve gotten a lot of backlash from it. It seems to be that finally being able to access the inner-world more has been so crucial to our recovery.

We haven’t really been able to go into memory-work and do it properly yet, but that’s OK because we aren’t quite there yet. We need to take one baby step at a time. But at least we have a good idea of how we are going to do it when we are ready, and what to look for when organizing it in the inner-world. It’s great to be able to learn so much and acquire all this knowledge but I do wish that the insiders weren’t keeping us from putting it into action more, and would allow us to speak to outsiders about it, or just not punish us after we do so, because sometimes there is a delayed reaction. I guess I just need to keep trying. That’s all I can do. I can’t give up. I have to keep going. That’s all that really matters I think.

 

Written by : Ashley

 

I’ve Never Really Known Privacy

TRIGGER WARNING

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It’s nice to know you’re not alone, but it also hurts to know that others have gone through the same or similar horrible things you have. I have been reading When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase who is also a multiple that shares her story. I just read Chapter 8 which inspired this blog post. In the chapter she talks about how her stepfather used to “play one of his games” by watching her whenever she went to the outhouse to do her business. I could really relate to this because of all the times that people in our past spied on us as we used the bathroom even though it made us uncomfortable. If you can’t even have privacy when you go to the bathroom, then it feels like nothing is just for you.

I think this played a big part when we used to sell pornographic clips of ourselves online. There was a toilet fetish category where people bought clips of us on the toilet. We didn’t fake anything. We would just film whenever we had to go to the bathroom. So many people have seen and heard us go #1 and #2 all around the world. This is something that really bothers us to this day, because we know those clips are probably still floating around. We still get asked to create them. But what people don’t realize is this was rooted in trauma but we were unaware of it in the time. We never thought we had a right to our own privacy, so we cut that off from ourselves.

People always wonder how we can be so open in our regular video content we have on our YouTube channel sharing such “private” things about ourselves. Well when you’ve shared yourself going to the bathroom so many times online, your privacy is a thing of the past. We’d rather have a million more videos of us speaking the truth about the abuse we’ve been through and how we are really thinking and feeling because for us it sort of makes up for all the disgusting pornographic videos we took in the past that pretty much put our trauma on display without knowing that’s what we were doing. The pornography is an illusion, where as the content we take now is the truth. We finally get to share our truth and that has empowered us so much.

Now whenever people are over and we have to use the bathroom, it can take us a lot longer to go because it will automatically hold itself in out of fear of someone watching us or hearing us. It reminds us of what has happened over the years in many situations with many different people.

We used to have a hole that our father punched into our bathroom door. We always felt like someone was spying on us through that hole, because it took months and months before they ever patched it up. We actually have a memory where we asked to use the bathroom upstairs because we didn’t like going to the bathroom with the hole in the door, and our mother said No.

We also had an ex-boyfriend with a pee fetish who loved to watch us go. We used to try to just laugh it off, but deep inside we knew it made us feel bad. But we have to please those who we don’t want to abandon us right? There were many incidents with our programmer that had to do with the bathroom, but one that I can say was he used to make us hold in our pee when we had to go. They love to have control over every aspect of you, and they get sadistic pleasure out of doing it.

I remember I would ask my mother if I could use the bathroom all the time because I thought I had to get permission until one day she finally told me that I didn’t need to announce it every time I had to go. This also caused a lot of problems when I’d be in a strangers house and I had to use their bathroom, especially if I didn’t know where it was. It would take everything in me to build up the courage to ask them if I could go.

I guess I really just needed to get this out into the open. I need to voice myself. It’s the only thing that I feel really gives me a sense of my own power over my own life. It’s really important to me. Maybe not everyone will understand it, but they don’t need to understand. I just hope one day I can heal from what has happened to me and be able to use the bathroom in peace. I still feel so much fear when I shower and use the bathroom pretty much every time I go. Yes, the shower too. But I’m not going to get into that. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you did, it helps to know someone out there is listening and paying attention.

Written by : Ashley?/Violet? (not really sure)

Self-Worth Is Not What Others Think Of You (Ashley)

Tonight I discovered that the way I feel about a person is strongly based on how I think they feel about me. If I think someone likes me, then I usually have more “positive” feelings towards them. I will put all my focus on what I like about them, and I will be fixated on their good qualities.

This has actually put me in a lot of dangerous situations though. This is because people who turned out to be abusers who would put me on a pedestal, or just took any interest in me would be the people I would put all my love and energy into. They would suck me dry. I would end up totally drained from being around them.

I was more easily taken advantage of by these people, and I would put so much faith into what they thought about me to the point that I would do anything to please them. I would do whatever I could to make sure they were still hooked. Because if they decided one day they weren’t interested in me anymore, then that would mean I had no worth. At least that’s how I perceived it. I based my worth off of what people thought of me. And I still do, but now that I’ve been on my healing journey, discovering these things about myself, it has made it a lot easier to begin having a more balanced view of others.

This doesn’t mean I’m anywhere close to perfecting it. But at least I’m starting to try to take the blindfold off so I can finally see what’s right in front of me, instead of the illusion that someone is either all good or all bad. I finally started realizing that I have my own inner-strength and power. And that I don’t need to have other people give me validation in order to know that I’m worth something.

Self-love is such an important part of my journey, but it’s also one of the hardest things to have for yourself after being traumatized and abused so many times over the years. It’s hard to love yourself when your parent’s didn’t. Those are the people you needed it from the most, but when it’s not there, you start to search for it in other people, instead of yourself.

I also know that I do the same thing when people dislike me. It becomes very difficult to see the good in them. Maybe that’s because I know that if I focus on that, then I will start to feel as if I’m somehow bad and defective in some way. Because if they are good at all, then that must mean that there’s something wrong with me. It’s very black and white thinking, but it has made me feel safer somehow.

It’s a lot easier to say something defensively when someone hates you such as “Oh, they must just be jealous of me.” That might be true in some cases, but not all. Sometimes people dislike you because they genuinely just don’t vibe with you. It’s not always that they are projecting something onto you that they can’t face inside of themselves. Though that happens quite often as well. Sometimes people just can’t get along. And that’s okay.

It says nothing about your own worth as a person. You’re always going to have people like and dislike you. Sometimes people like the mask that you’re wearing, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t really like you. I came to realize that we all wear a mask to some degree, especially in certain situations where we feel that we have to. No one is truly authentic. But that doesn’t necessarily mean people don’t like the real you. A lot of us don’t even know ourselves fully yet, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t like ourselves because of that.

We try to find every excuse we can to convince ourselves that we essentially suck, yet at the same time we try to find reasons that we don’t suck. We can’t handle people thinking we think we are “too good of a person” because that would mean that we must have a big ego and that we are conceited. And we can’t handle people thinking we are the scum of the earth either. But all in all we are afraid of being alone. We are afraid that everyone on the planet will just decide to hate us and that we will rot away into nothingness.

At least this is my experience. I guess I don’t really speak for everyone else. But I wrote it in that way, because I’m kind of hoping that they do. Because once again if I’m all alone in this, and no one can relate then I must be worthless. It’s a pretty shitty way to think. But it’s me. And I try to be proud of myself for admitting it. I just hope one day I’ll be able to say these things and stand tall in my own individual truth instead of trying to bring everyone else into it so I won’t be singled out.

But until then I can only keep trying. I can only keep doing the best I can. And that has to be enough. Because it’s the only way I’m going to truly realize I’m enough. That is to allow myself to accept myself right now in this moment, completely flawed, and be okay with it. Sometimes the self-improvement path can really screw a person up if you’re not accepting yourself for the way you already are. Because that’s where true self-love is. It’s not “I’m going to love myself tomorrow or 30 years for now.” “It’s I’m going to love myself right fucking now.” “Right fucking now!”

 

Written by : Ashley

Invisible Struggle (Autistic) (Violet)

*TRIGGER WARNING*

You don’t hear me when I’m talking because I can’t actually say what I mean. I can rarely ever ask for my needs to be met unless you ask me a direct question about it if I’m dependent on you in some way. And even then I’ll still hold back. I get too overwhelmed if I feel that anything I’m going to say is going to cause conflict between us, so I end up saying nothing at all, or I just end up agreeing to everything you say. I usually don’t realize I’m even doing this until after we interact and then I’m ruminating over it for hours filling myself up with even more anxiety and guilt. I can’t help the way that I am, but I still feel that I’m a burden on you. You will never understand my pain when it comes to communication because you only see what’s on the surface. You only see what I was taught to be, instead of the way I really am. I used to be able to stim, not make eye-contact, and speak in a language that was mine. But now I suffer everyday because I was forced to be just like you.

I am invisible. It hurts. It really does. It hurts because I have to put so much energy into every little thing I do, every movement, every sound. But no one sees it. They only see the final product. I end up becoming so burnt out. I won’t be able to execute even the most basic tasks. I can’t last around people or around all the noise and chaos everywhere. I can’t stand it because I actually do want to be able to be around people without it being so exhausting. I want to be able to be myself, but even when I try, I can’t. I may be able to for a short while but I’m back to putting that mask on once again.

My mother would beat me with the belt for something as simple as humming. She made me feel so much shame when I wouldn’t lock eyes with her. The teachers yelled at me for moving around in my seat too much. And it was clear to me everyone was annoyed with me. I was bullied constantly growing up. I felt the pain, but a lot of times I couldn’t show it. Sometimes I didn’t even know it was happening, that people were actually making fun of me, instead of laughing with me. I didn’t understand, but now I do.

I feel like I can’t ever defend myself. It’s even harder for me to express things in words when I’m triggered, upset, or in a rage. I end up just letting people walk all over me. I end up just letting them hurt me, because I can’t tell them to stop. I can’t tell them because I just can’t express what’s inside of me. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many times people say I’m so good at communicating. I know most of the time I’m just stringing a bunch of words into sentences and failing miserably at actually expressing how I really feel. But people don’t see that. They see someone who is capable. But they rarely actually understand what I intended to actually say to them. They will even say that they understood. It burns. It aches. It stings. But I just end up smiling. Because that’s what pretty girls are supposed to do right? Smile? Act as if everything is okay? We’ll both just end up getting frustrated if I ever tell you that you’re wrong, because I won’t even be able to explain to you why that is, not where I’m actually satisfied with what I said.

So a lot of times I end up just disappearing inside of myself. I became a ghost when it comes to actually letting people know how I really feel. Not because I don’t want to share but because I’m not actually capable of it. So I’ll just keep going around in circles endlessly with all this anxiety building. But you won’t see it. You’ll just think I’m making it up. I would say that it’s okay, and that I’m used to it. But we both know that’s not true. I just don’t want to go into a meltdown. This usually only happens when I’m alone, so I only end up hurting myself. It just explodes out of no where. I just don’t get the same release I used to when I could actually sort of be myself as a kid. It ends up getting stuck inside of me, gnawing at my insides, until I just can’t hold it in anymore. Otherwise I tend to shutdown most of the time until all of the shutdowns eventually turn into a meltdown after getting burnt out over and over again.

I need to know what’s going to happen when I have a social interaction, even if it’s just going to last for a few minutes. Obviously, this isn’t possible most of the time. So I have to get the closest I can to knowing. I need to know the exact time, and as much of what will be happening during this time that is possible to inform someone on. If anything comes up that is unpredictable, it makes it so I go into overload and once again hit with a mountain of anxiety. That’s what it feels like. A fucking mountain of anxiety. I just climb and climb and climb until I reach the top and then I’m too tired to come back down. So I stay there filled with all this anxiety until the person finally shows up or I finally know what’s going on. The worst is when you don’t know what’s going on. I usually feel like I just got run over by a train by the time I finally get closure from the other person, and then I’m not usually up for socializing anymore.

It’s this constant cycle that goes round and round and it makes me feel like my head is going to fucking burst. Because unless you go through this yourself, you’re not going to be a mind-reader and know. And even if you’re told, there’s a good chance you might not understand. This is why any sort of relationship that takes commitment is just so exhausting to me that I end up not keeping in touch with people. And then I feel terrible about it. I’ll end up feeling like they hate me. That I failed at doing what to most people seems to come naturally. I feel like a lot of times when these things would happen, people would just think I’m a bitch, when really I’m going through fucking hell, and they just don’t have a clue. They don’t see how long it can take me at times just to write a few words back to them and what it does to me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. It just means that it’s usually not worth the energy. Depending on the day, sometimes just typing a few words can make it so I can’t do much else for the entire rest of the day. But a lot of times I can’t even put the effort into even typing those words especially if I’m in the shutdown stage of this endless cycle. Even talking out loud to myself can cause me to be in agonizing pain. People don’t see that pain when they watch my videos or read my work. It must look so effortless. But I can assure you it’s not. I just hope one day people will be able to see my invisible struggle. But until then I can only make these attempts to try to get what I have to say across to you and to myself.

Written by : Violet

The Wounded Warrior (Reblog)

This post almost brought me to tears and is inspiring me to keep moving forward. (Violet)

By Shahida Arabi Originally published on WITCH magazine. Here is a truth you often don’t hear: traumatized women have the potential to become the most powerful people in this world. The most ignorant members of society call this type of woman “damaged.” But she is the most powerful type of woman there is. What they forget […]

via Why the Women Society Calls “Damaged” Are the Most Powerful — Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi