Just Put It In The Fuck It Bucket (Ashley)

TW

I’ve noticed something about people and that is that we are always comparing and judging ourselves so harshly even when we’re doing well. We look at others and think that we could be doing more. It’s like nothing we ever do is enough. We also may look at others and think that when we are doing well that it isn’t fair that others are still trapped in a place that we’ve broken free from. It’s like we can’t accept our own accomplishments either way. I hate that I recognize things like this, but it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Those are the worst. Those realizations that you come to over and over again that just make you feel terrible because it feels like there’s no way out or you just haven’t found a solution yet or maybe you have but you can’t execute it yet. The only thing we can really do at points is to just accept things the way they are, take whatever lesson we can from it, and move forward to the best of our ability.

This can make a person feel so powerless sometimes, but other times in those magical more rare moments it can actually make you feel more empowered because you’ve truly allowed whatever it is to just be, even if it’s only temporarily.

That feels like the ultimate freedom to me, and I hope I can keep reaching that point where there is no worry anymore and to stop having these over obsessive thoughts that just won’t quit. That moment when you’re finally allowing everything to be the way it is and therefore you can actually move on to the next thing without feeling like it’s dragging you down.

A lot of times I’ll feel like there’s this huge weight that gets added on every time I can’t accept something I can’t change at the moment. Its weight can be soul crushing, so when the burden is lifted even if it’s just ever so slightly, it’s nice to finally be able to sigh with relief. I know that even right now I’m not accepting that I’m not able to accept things. Not accepting of not accepting. It’s actually quite amusing.

I love those moments when you can take something that would normally make you feel sad and genuinely laugh about it in a way that’s so carefree. Of course sometimes it can make you feel guilty because you don’t want anyone to feel like your making fun of a very serious thing they’re going through as well. But sometimes you just have to for your own sanity you know?

I don’t know where I was going with this.

Oh yeah, the programming, particularly the sexual programming of our sexual alters in our system. It hit me today that I am the only one that is actually functional and deprogrammed partially or at least temporarily most of the time. I started feeling bad about that, because I think of all the alters who haven’t been able to, and it makes me sad that they are still in that place where they really don’t know their own worth just yet.

I know that I should be proud of myself for getting this far, but I feel like somehow I must have been let off the hook, like it just came to me easy, even though it certainly hasn’t been easy at all.

This is partly because I haven’t had to really face a lot of the childhood sexual trauma and training I’ve gone through. I’ve been able to completely block it from my awareness more often than not, and there’s a lot I don’t remember.

I didn’t have to remember or relive as much as I would’ve thought I would’ve had to in order to begin deprogramming, while the rest of them don’t have that luxury.

Like for example one of them today started thinking about possibly motivating themselves to fight back against their programming, and the moment that happened, some of their trauma was about to surface.

Of course they weren’t ready for it yet, so we switched into myself and I began to take all the hits that were being thrown at us.

I guess I have to be strong for the rest of them, which I don’t really mind because it’s what I’ve always done in a sense, even when being completely under. I’ve fronted a whole a lot more than a lot of these other programmed alters, at least when it comes to a full fronting in the drivers seat that is and not just passive influence.

I’m the one that has always meant to be front and center. It’s just the way it was setup to be. It doesn’t mean that the others aren’t strong or brave. It’s just that they haven’t discovered that they are yet because the programming is preventing them from doing so.

They’ve never really been given the chance. They don’t get much body time at all because when the programming goes off it puts our system in danger. And I know how important it was for me to be in the drivers seat of the body in order for me to really begin to break free of my programming. I don’t think I could’ve done it by simply just being in the inner head space, but who knows maybe we’ll figure out a way someday to work shit out more on the inside, but it’s rather difficult when whoever is fronting really doesn’t have very much access to it at all.

I definitely think that isn’t on accident.

There’s lot of important things that need to be done using the inner head space and I feel like it’s desperately needed for our healing and recovery. And I know it’s possible for us to access more of it while fronting, because we have before. But it’s just so intense, and when we were starting to be able to before, one of our handlers re-accessed us and put up another block from us being able to.

I realize that I need to just accept that this is where we are right now, and that’s perfectly okay. We will get there. Like they say “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I know that has been sort of an overused saying but it came up while I was writing so why the fuck not?

I need to stop worrying so much about what others think. I do care what they think, and I think we do need to care to a certain extent because other people’s feelings should be respected. But this is my zone. This is where I express myself, and people choose to read it at their own accord. I am not responsible for how other people are going to receive me.

I just have to be me, and that’s that. As difficult as it is, I want to keep pushing through, and start talking about things that really matter to me again even if it fucking kills me in the process. Just put it in the fuck it bucket right?

 

Written by : Ashley

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Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse (Violet)

*TRIGGER WARNING*

 

This is for the men out there that have been sexually abused. I just want you to know that I am listening. That if you speak out I will always try my best to back you up. I know so many of you live in silence for many different reasons. I will never truly understand your pain as a man, but I do know the pain that comes during and after being sexually violated. I know what it feels like to be bullied into silence.

I know that many of you probably feel like you won’t be taken seriously. I know that there are people who will never understand that a man can be taken advantage of sexually by a woman. People who are ignorant will assume that men are “lucky” if they’re molested or raped by an older woman. Just because you’re a man doesn’t automatically mean that you wanted it. There is a lot of glorification out there about older women and younger boys having sexual relations. That you must be a king if that woman is trying to get in your pants. They act as if you don’t reserve the right to choose what happens to your own bodies. It can be especially confusing when you’re young and inexperienced. You’re expected to just go along with it, and to be okay with it. But boys can be violated too, and I feel it’s so important for this information to get out there.

This is not a joke. This is not funny. No one deserves to feel backed up in a corner, and have their sexual abuse experience turned into some sort of laughing stock. No one deserves to have their experiences minimized just because they are a man. And if a man is sexually abused by a man, that doesn’t make them weak. The shame doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to the perpetrator. Anyone at anytime can overpower another individual male or female. You think you’ll know what you’d do in that moment, but you don’t until it happens to you. A lot of us will freeze when we get assaulted which means we may stay completely silent, dissociating from the experience, and not fight back. This is a trauma response. Not everyone is capable of running away or being able to fight off their aggressor, which can also actually make things even worse. If the person is violent you could end up getting murdered instead of just raped. Sometimes it is literally survival that keeps us stuck in a position where we have to become submissive to the other person. Men and boys have feelings too. They cry. They hurt. But they are made to feel like they have to hide it. They end up bottling it all up inside and not getting the help they need to heal from these experiences.

So I want to take a stand and say enough is enough. We need to stop treating men like they’re supposed to not have emotions, and that they’re expected to never be sexually abused. Because this is unrealistic, and it’s a very sick way of looking at things. If you’re a man and you’ve been hurt in this way I hope you will one day be able to reach out even if it’s just to one person out there to tell your story. The reason no one knows how often this actually happens is because it isn’t really talked about. It’s because your forced to keep it to yourself because you’ll likely endure further abuse from the bullying of the people in our society. This has to stop. We need to care about one another. Men get sexually abused too, and the world needs accept them with open arms and give them the compassion and understanding that everyone of us survivors deserves.

 

Written by : Violet

Purpose To This Pain (Violet)

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much we impact each other’s lives without even realizing it. We spend so much time wishing things were different, that we were different, when really we don’t know what it would look like on the other side of it all. What if I wasn’t disabled, or traumatized, or abused? So many things would be different including the lives I’ve changed by speaking out about my life experience.

If I wasn’t the way that I am, there’s a chance that another person who heard my story wouldn’t be alive right now. Maybe something I said on a day they were really struggling helped them to carry on another day. Maybe I’m the reason they chose a certain path in life because I inspired them to follow their heart instead of falling into the status quo. You just never really know what you do for others just by being yourself. This way of looking at it has totally changed my perspective of what I’m going through, well at least at the moment.

I try to remember when I’m sick and broken down from everything I’m going through, that maybe it actually is for the best. We always tend to think the worst of our situation. We want to run away from the pain, and that resistance holds us hostage in it that much more, instead of allowing it to transform into something even brighter than we ever could’ve imagined it to be.

If we just took a moment to see things in a different light, we may start feeling a lot better about ourselves and the experiences we’ve had and continue to have. I don’t want to run away anymore from the life I was meant to live, which is the life I am already living right here and now.

 

Written by : Violet

Does Freedom Even Exist? (Violet)

(possible tw)

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It would be one thing if all the trauma and abuse were over. But it never is. I still experience it to this day. It isn’t just flashbacks. It isn’t just re-experiencing all the horrors of my past over and over again. It’s that plus the continuation of being traumatized.

This is something I don’t think most people could ever begin to grasp. It’s like they forget that I’m not just recovering from something that has happened to me. They don’t realize that it’s still happening to me. It’s like I can never escape it.

The worst part is when people actually tell you it’s your fault. This is just one of many things people say to me. It makes me sick that anyone could even insinuate I brought this on to myself.

They don’t have a clue how much trauma changes you, or maybe they do and they just get a kick out of kicking you while your down. Either way it hurts in a way that can never be explained, only experienced.

There are a lot of days where I can’t even believe any of this myself, even though I live it. Those days are some of the hardest, because I can go so deep in denial that I end up being stuck in the quicksand of my own mental prison.

It doesn’t help that people on the outside are basically cheering it on. I feel like I’m just here for everyone’s entertainment, and that my pain is something they find oh so enjoyable. I try to convince myself that it’s because they’re in pain too so my suffering makes them feel better somehow. But it doesn’t make it right, even if it’s true.

I still end up blaming and shaming myself because I always think I could be doing better. So when people rub that in your face and add fuel to the fire, it’s that much easier to sink inside of yourself and want to stay lost in someone else’s reality. You want to be anywhere else, so days and days go by like this.

You feel powerless and worthless, but you always seem to find a way to keep on fighting. But what if you’re tired of fighting? What if you just want to live? Well you don’t really get much of a choice living life in a never-ending state of fight or flight. You live always on the edge, always on guard.

They use everything against you. The very thing that has protected you is the very thing they will convince you is what’s wrong with you. But it saved you, and you have to hold on to that truth. You have to hold on to yourself, because they will make you think they’ve stolen your soul away from you. You aren’t just a survivor of trauma. You are so much more than that. And I hope one day you will find what that is, and will finally be free, that is if freedom even exists.

Written By : Violet

 

 

Where Will I Go From Here? (Violet)

I wish I could actually be able to enjoy the moment the majority of the time, but then I guess I wouldn’t be me. I also know that my mind analyzes every last little thing, scans my environment constantly, and tries to plan everything out to protect me. It thinks that if it does all of this then I may be able to avoid a dangerous and/or painful situation. Maybe I might be able to prevent myself from going into a panic attack in public. Whatever the reason, it thinks it is doing the right thing. So it’s something I’m trying to accept instead of staying mad at it. The things it does to try to relieve anxiety actually end up causing me even more anxiety sometimes, and I guess I just get a wee bit frustrated.

Sometimes I forget that I do have my limitations, but then other times I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I do accomplish by going outside of my comfort zone. I’m trying to find a balance, but I can’t do that if I keep pushing myself too far, or not enough. It’s hard to know where the middle ground is and if that’s even possible. Well actually I know it’s possible, because I’ve reached that place before. It took a lot of struggling along the way to get there though.

This whole idea of traveling is something I genuinely want to do. And I think a lot of people feel the same way where they want to as well. I’m tired of saying “someday” I’ll do this or that. I want to be able to go right NOW…but my mind and body just won’t let me. It shuts down. I become paralyzed. I get sick as hell. And sometimes it’s good to have things planned out. You don’t want to have to spend extra money when you don’t have to right? You want to make sure you’re going to be staying at a place that you’re going to be comfortable enough to be able to sleep. For us we have to eat specific types of foods, so we have to make sure all the right foods are close by, and then transportation is also something to think about. But going to a new place and trying to figure all of this out, and then having to do it all over again in another few days to a week doesn’t exactly seem ideal to me considering how overwhelmed I’m already getting trying to plan out this first trip. The weather has to work for us as well, or else we won’t be able to spend the time in nature that we want to, which is one of the main reasons we even want to travel… to expand our horizons beyond just going to the local parks in the area.

Everything has to line up perfectly no matter where we go because if we end up stranded as disabled as we are then it could turn really ugly. I try to remember I’m not like other people, but sometimes even with that knowledge I set the bar a little too high for myself.

Like when I made that last post…I was trying to be hopeful and believe anything is possible. But jumping too far ahead saying I’d actually be able to meet new people and socialize for a place to stay so I could save money was a bit too much. And because I told everyone about it, it made me that much more insecure about my situation, like now everyone is expecting so much more out of me than I’m actually capable of. It’s like it totally slipped my mind how difficult that would actually be since currently we can’t even stand to be around people at a distance, let alone be expected to socialize. We don’t have the capacity to do that. Even just those interactions we have where we go out and about where we are now that only last a few minutes with automatic responses take a huge toll on us.

Something that happened yesterday really showed me how important it is for me to have things planned out, and to not put myself in situations that could be dire to my health and well-being (social interactions for example). I need to take baby steps into this direction of traveling the west side of my country. I might not be able to leave right away until I feel ready to go as much as that kills me to say that.

I have to make sure I’m not doing things just because I feel like it’s the only way or that I have to. I should do it only because I want to. I also have to actually be capable of doing such a thing. If I don’t actually want to be around people, that’s not only not fair to me, but it isn’t fair to them either for me to take up a offer to stay at someone’s place just because I want to use them to be able to save money. And it could be detrimental to my health and happiness if I’m not actually able to handle such a situation, especially so shortly after my experience in St. Louis (which I haven’t disclosed yet) but it did have to do with the person who was letting me stay there. I can’t jump into such a vulnerable situation even if it’s only staying with someone for a few days I don’t know. I’m still trying to recover from what just happened to me. And I really don’t think I could even sleep in the same house with someone I don’t know because of how bad my hyper vigilance is in relation to my C-PTSD. I had the place to myself in St. Louis, and it still wasn’t a situation that ended up working out. Whether it’s a long-term or short-term situation with any person, it’s just not something I’m ready for right now. I got myself so deeply entangled with this person, and I’m still trying to unravel the knots.

I really want to be able to make this happen not just to actually enjoy the experience with what little life I feel I have left, but because I want to prove to myself that I can do it without another person being there to hold my hand. But then that brings me to my self-worth. I ask myself…am I really doing this for ALL the right reasons? Or is one the reasons to prove my worth to myself and others? To prove that these abusive/toxic people in my life didn’t break me, and that I can actually be happy? I don’t want that to be one of my reasons. I want to do it for the sheer joy of it! Yes, I am also wanting to do it so I can find my place in this world considering Portland doesn’t feel like my home anymore. But I want my top priority to be just to do it because I think it will be an enjoyable enriching experience. Not because I need to prove anything. And this is part of what I think has stopped me in my tracks, and is keeping me here.

One way or another I’m going to try my very best to live a life I can be proud of that’s authentically aligned with my personal truth and integrity. I took the first step leaving St. Louis but now I need to take another step. I’m just not sure what that is going to be yet. But I do know that it will be my decision, and my decision alone not influenced by another person (as much as I can help it). Because one thing I desperately need to do is find myself again because I definitely feel like I lost a huge chunk of myself in St. Louis. I need to stand on my own two feet again, and finally be free of the chains that have been wrapped around me sucking the life out of me.

 

Written by : Violet

I See This As A New Beginning (Violet)

I can feel it in my bones that a new life is ahead of me. Maybe to the rest of the world my situation looks terrible, but to me I feel like this is a fresh start. I feel a lot more free, and a lot less trapped. Like I’m stepping into the unknown and it’s beautiful. No one acted like things were bad when I was still living in St. Louis because to them it appeared to be all going well. It does hurt that my pain was invisible to most people. That they couldn’t see what was going on behind closed doors. It actually reminds me of growing up in Virginia when I was in one abusive situation after another, yet no one noticed, and if they did, they just didn’t care. On the surface it may have looked like I was happy, and maybe it’s because my family is rich and people just automatically assume happiness = money. Or maybe it’s because I’ve always tried to look on the bright side, with a smile beaming from ear to ear. I remember someone once told me that I have a smile that could fool anyone into thinking I was really happy, because when I smile my eyes light up too.

But the truth is my current circumstances really aren’t any worse than they were before I came here. They’ve actually technically been bad my entire life. I’ve never had a place I could actually call home. I’ve never been in a place where I was really safe. I’ve just tried to make the most of whatever life throws at me. And that’s what I plan to do. I’m considering taking this opportunity to travel, and save money by crashing at people’s houses using a website for travelers. And if I end up saving enough to eventually get my own place again, then that’s exactly what I’ll do. But right now I don’t feel like my calling is to stay stagnant. I feel like I’m meant to move, grow, live, laugh, and see life as an adventure instead of worrying all the time when I could actually die tomorrow. As far as I know I’m probably not going to live past 30. So I ask myself why should I continue spending all my days worrying? Shouldn’t I take this opportunity and just run with it? The only real issue is that I would have to meet new people along the way, and with being autistic, traumatized, and dissociating into different alters that is going to be very difficult for me. But I’m tired of letting my fear and anxiety control my life. If it doesn’t work out, then I can always come back and figure out something else. I could always get a tent and see if I’ll be able to sleep outside that way.

There’s so many possibilities and if I keep telling myself I can’t do it, then my mind is going to keep believing that. What if I can? What if? I’m thinking I might as well try to do it different this time. Being what people call “homeless” is actually a choice for some people, and they decide to travel. The only difference between myself and a lot of those people is how disabled I am. But I’m tired of letting this hold me back. I’m tired of sitting around waiting for the system to finally see my worth and give me disability. By the time I get on it, there’s a good chance I could be dead by that point. I would rather spend my time doing things that I love and sharing my life and what I’ve learned with others. So far everyone has supported me, and if they really respect me as a person and care for me then I know they will support me with this decision too. I’m tired of running around in circles with my tail between my legs. I’m tired of spending my time in ways that aren’t meaningful to me. I want to choose to live life differently. That doesn’t mean that I won’t still continue to heal through what I’ve been through. But doing this may very well being healing in itself. I’m tired of letting what other people think influence my decisions, instead of doing what I think is going to be right for me. I need to walk my own path. I have the power inside of me. All it takes is just believing in myself, and going for it. And that’s a really hard thing to do when you’re a survivor of so much abuse and trauma. But if I can just hold on to it, and not give up. I really think I’m going to be okay. I don’t want to waste my whole life away wishing I would’ve taken the chance to do what my heart is calling me to do. The time is now.

 

Written by : Violet

Narcissistic Mothers + Periods

*TRIGGER WARNING*

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Something amazing happened tonight. It may seem like something so simple, and that it shouldn’t impact me like this, but it did.

I talked about an experience that was eating away at me earlier in the night in a support group online. It was about how my mother wanted nothing to do with telling me about my period, and was actually upset when I brought home that slip from school stating that they had brought up the subject in school. I remembered how much shame I felt that day, because she made it seem like it was something shameful. I was very confused and didn’t understand what they taught me, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with anyone to ask about it. I didn’t even know that that was a thing I could even do. We didn’t exactly have open communication in my family about things like this.

Another memory had come up as well tonight, and it was about the first time I got my period. I had completely forgotten about what actually happened because another alter was holding onto the memory. We still don’t have the full memory of exactly what was thought and what was said, but enough that it was really bothering us. Someone finally left a comment on our post in the group that talked about how their mother didn’t want to discuss periods with them either and that the first time they got it they thought they were dying, and another girl chimed in and said pretty much the same thing.

At that moment I realized that I wasn’t the only one. That day in school when I got my period a year later after I handed my mother that slip, I was absolutely terrified. I remember leaving class to go to the bathroom. When I looked I saw blood and I was so scared because I thought something was seriously wrong with me, and I think I did actually think I was dying at one point. I went to the front desk to tell them what was happened in pure fear, panic, and confusion. I think I might have been crying as well. They told me what was going on, handed me a pad, and vaguely told me how to use it. I remember I had to go to the bathroom myself and try to figure it out.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t figure out how to do it. All I can remember is the anxiety I felt when I went to my next class, thinking I was going to bleed all over myself before I had the chance to get home. I believe that when I finally got out of school that day was when my grandmother taught me how to put on the pad.

I never realized how badly this experience actually impacted me until tonight. And for the longest time growing up I always made it out to be that it wasn’t a big deal, because how was I to know that it was? I didn’t realize mothers were supposed to help their daughters with these things.

It has been a huge relief to know that I’m not the only one. And that’s why it’s so important to find validating places where you can discuss these things with people. I feel like some healing actually took place. And now I want to share with all of those people out there would may have had a neglectful, abusive, toxic, and/or narcissistic mother that never understood why they had a such a terrible experience when developing into a woman. I do believe our mother was upset that we were maturing. She started treating us much different once we grew breasts as well. And the older we got, the more it seemed like she hated us, which isn’t too far-fetched since she would actually flat out say she hated us growing up as a kid.

They say narcissistic mothers are jealous of their growing daughters. They can’t stand it when they are not as easily controlled by them. They can’t stand when they start to grow into their own independent person. You become competition in the narcissistic mother’s eyes. And that hurts like hell to admit this to myself. But it really explains a lot to why I am the way I am.

A lot of times we do need to look at our past to understand the present. I’ve been carrying this weight for so long, and now it’s finally being released out there into the world, hopefully helping other women out there who may have had a mother like this themselves. I am now free to NOT be the woman I was meant to be, but the woman that I choose to become.

 

Written by : Who the fuck cares?

Compulsive Checking Confessions (Violet)

This is something that I don’t really talk about very often but it actually is a big part of the way I am in everyday life. I actually think a part of me is ashamed of being this way. It’s something I definitely struggle with controlling. And that is my compulsive checking.

I check my phone all day long, just refreshing it over and over again. I do this same thing when it comes to checking my email, Facebook notifications, and YouTube channel. I feel a lot of anxiety if I don’t do this, and feel that I won’t get any relief until I do so. But then it causes me even more anxiety just in a different way when I can’t stop checking.

This is part of why it can be really upsetting for me if someone doesn’t tell me the exact time they are coming over or are going to be contacting me because then it ends up making me check these things even more to make sure I’m not missing their text. My phone doesn’t go off when I get texts or calls so that makes it that much more anxiety provoking. This is also why I have to deactivate my Facebook all the time. I can’t just log out and be able to leave Facebook alone. I also have to check if I logged out because I’ll forget that I just did. For some reason when I have Facebook activated, if I don’t log out every time I leave to do something else, it causes me a massive amount of anxiety.

Facebook is actually probably the worst out of everything when it comes to the effect it has on me if I don’t check it. I’ll make jokes sometimes about me always deactivating my Facebook because “Ha Ha This site is extremely addictive, and it’s the only way I can stay off of here”…but the problem is actually much deeper than that. What makes it even worse is that people will think I’ve blocked them because I’ve deactivated it, and will even remove me from the support groups I’m apart of. It hurts like hell to know you’re not welcome in a support group because you’re trying to gain control of a very serious issue that debilitates you in your day to day life. And of course it also triggers up those feelings of rejection, but that’s a whole other blog post.

I know that many people probably don’t understand why I have to deactivate it, especially as frequently as I have to do it. I noticed recently when I deactivate it, it allows people to still be able to message me even though I’m gone. This ends up adding to my anxiety that all these people are messaging me and pushes that urge even harder to reactivate it and check what people are saying to me. Some people might think this is funny, but it’s really not. It’s fucking horrible, and quite embarrassing. This is an extremely debilitating thing to have to go through. I spend a huge chunk of my day either checking or thinking about checking until I finally do it with so many different things in my life.

I also have to check my keys in my wallet every time I leave to go anywhere from wherever I am multiple times. I have to check that everything is in my bag over and over again. This might stem from being afraid that I’ll lose the keys, forget my keys, or forget something else that I might need. I bring things that I think I could possibly need if certain things happen that are really scary like if it starts raining, because rain causes me extreme pain sensory wise. Sometimes I’ll even bring an extra pair of shoes just in case my shoes break because of the fear of being barefoot outside.

This can lead into a lot of other fears like if I’m barefoot and it’s hot out then I won’t be able to make it home. What if I step on something sharp and end up being taken advantage of because I can’t run away if someone attacks me? What if I need to go inside somewhere and they won’t let me in because I have no shoes on. I need to be prepared for any kind of weather or situation that could arise.

I also end up shutting and locking the door repeatedly until I finally feel relieved enough to leave the apartment. This I think is because of my fear of not locking and shutting the door all the way because someone might break in. I also fear that I need to check the door is not broken so I know I’ll be able to get back inside if I unlock it when I come back home.

And not as often but I do this as well is that I need to check to make sure the stove and oven aren’t on before I leave. I also do this quite a few times. I’ve even left the building, walked a few blocks, and had to turn all the way back around just to go check the stove and oven again even though I just checked it. Sometimes I’m not sure how much of this is amnesia and just not remembering, and how much is my compulsive checking. But either way, it fucking sucks.

I actually just went to do laundry, and I put some of my clothes in the dryer including my special purple blanket. When I went to get the rest of the stuff out of the washer, I saw that my purple blanket was not there and panicked thinking someone had stole it. But it turned out that I just dissociated and forgot that I had just put the purple blanket in the dryer only seconds before. Maybe I switched… who knows? All I know is that fear of forgetting things because I actually do all the time I think causes me to compulsively check a lot as well.

I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell. But no one really knows this part of it. Well now you do. Hopefully this may help others feel less alone that can relate, or just bring about some understanding of something that people like me go through. As always I appreciate you taking the time to get to know me, and to hearing me out. It really makes a huge difference to have a voice, especially when I’m always trying to isolate myself. I have no one I feel comfortable opening up to and can trust, so going public about these things is the only way I don’t allow it to bottle up and destroy me.

 

Written by : Violet

Your Fake Little World (Violet)

TRIGGER WARNING

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You know something that I’ve noticed is that when you tell people how you feel, they tend to respond in a way that just makes it worse. They rarely say exactly what you’d like to hear and if they do it still doesn’t make you feel any better. At least this is my experience in life. I just see a bunch of people with their heads in the clouds or in the sand lying to themselves. They tell themselves this wonderful story about life that is complete and utter bullshit to make themselves feel better.

I’m not saying that I haven’t done the exact same thing, because oh boy I certainly have! It’s survival when we do this. But it’s pretend. It’s pretend happiness that we convince ourselves that we are experiencing. I try to hold my tongue because I don’t want to crush their vision. I figure I might as well let them do what they think actually helps. Really it’s just a band-aid that eventually comes off again only to show the same wound is still there. You were just covering it up.

When I write inspirational shit that people at least think it’s inspirational, it’s actually pretty fucking fake, just like everything and everyone else in this world. I realize that people like me the most when I can be inspiring to them. But take that all way and they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Because then I’d be too negative for their liking. If I didn’t put a spin on everything I fucking say to sound more positive to their ears, they would turn the other cheek eventually.

I notice that people tend to drop off the more real I get with myself, where I don’t sugarcoat shit. I just let it all out. And I know it probably sounds mean. But at least it’s what I really want to say. So frankly I’d rather not give a flying fuck. But I do. I always fucking do. That’s just another thing to add to the list of what I hate about this fucking world. And yeah today was definitely not one of my better days to say the least. But on my worst days it actually shows me the truth of myself.

I’m glad that I’m not “Miss Positivity” all the fucking time like Ruby is. She hosted for quite some time there. And people would actually tell us they thought we were the most positive person they’ve ever met. Little did they know it was just an overly positive part of us that was parading around only showing a fraction of the way we actually are.

Sometimes I will beat myself up because I can’t be more like “Ruby”. Everything seemed to come so easily for her. She is like a superwoman in my eyes at times. But when I really take a look at it, I know that it’s not realistic the way she is.

So really I think I’d prefer to be authentically me than to be someone I’m not. As hard as I try though I still can’t quite be myself. But that’s because now it actually takes a conscious effort most of the time to be that way, to be whatever me even is, because of what these crap people in this crap life have stolen from me.

I actually really have always wanted to die. I’ve always wanted to fucking kill myself. But then one day I realized that I don’t know what’s going to happen when I die, so really there’s actually no point. It could actually be worse than life. I could just come back and repeat the same shit all over again. So here I am, still living, and still putting a smile on my face like everyone else just so I can survive. But I’m fucking sick of it.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it though. I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow or someday after that and once again try to make the most out of this life even though I don’t want to fucking be here. And that really sucks. Because it’s not actually genuine. I gave up a long time ago on life. But at the same time I keep trying. I still end up hitting a brick fucking wall. And no matter how many people tell me what I should be doing and what they think will be best for me, it’s never going to do me any good.

So yeah, if anyone has a problem with how I live my life and how I view it, then they can just get the fuck off my lawn. You’re not going to change me. You obviously don’t accept me. So you might as well stop trying. I’m not someone you can mold into your perfect little person that’s going to do all these super awesome things. Get over it.

 

Written by : Violet

The Murder Of My Sexual Being

TRIGGER WARNING

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I’ve always felt this dark, filthy, grimy, sick feeling when it comes to my sexuality. But as I’ve moved forward in time it has only gotten worse. There were points where I really thought I’d be able to experience what it’s like to have a healthy sexual experience even if it was just with myself, but that ended up being torn to shreds.

I’m at this place in my life where I feel like there is no hope when it comes to this aspect of myself. I don’t think that it will ever get better as I heal. Not that long ago I was still able to feel a spark, even if it was just a small spark of true beauty and soul when I looked or felt my naked body. But recently as I lay bare or get any feeling of wanting to touch myself I get repulsed right away. I feel like I have no real desire for sexual pleasure anymore. The only thing that’s left I just want to bury. The only thing that’s left is the abuse. The only thing that is left holds no real value.

It only grips me tighter and tighter and tries to make me think, feel, and do disgusting things. I don’t find any enjoyment when pleasuring myself. I only feel like I’m being raped, but I also feel like I’m the rapist. I mourn this part of me that was taken from me. I wouldn’t say it was a long time ago though. It may have started being taken from me then, but like I said there was still a shred of hope. It’s gone now.

The one thing I felt unconditional romantic and sexual love for turned out to be an illusion. It turned out to just be an abuser. It turned out to be against me. It played me. It feels no different than being with a relationship with someone for years only to realize they’ve been raping you the entire time you were with them. They killed my sexuality. It was already bruised, battered, and torn….but this time they murdered it.

No one will ever understand this pain, unless they’ve lived through it themselves. You will read my words, but you don’t have a fucking clue. You may even think this is funny. I hear them all laughing at me, so why wouldn’t you laugh too? It’s funny that the life has been sucked right out of me isn’t it? Or maybe you will just feel sorry for me, and I will feel like I’m a pathetic piece of shit even more than I did to begin with. I’m not sure which is worse. Either way it’s better than living a lie. Living a lie that gives you false hope that dreams come true, and love really exists.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love myself. I know that’s an important part of really experiencing the love we all crave. We search for it in other people, but the truth is until we feel it for ourselves, we still lie awake knowing something is missing. That isn’t meant to make anyone feel bad, like no one will ever love them unless they love themselves. But the truth is your experience of love with another person will always be tainted with shame, self-hate, and a lack of compassion for who you are until you are able to love every part of you.

I’m just glad I can finally admit these things to myself instead of living in la la land. I might be a lot more depressed. And it might feel like I’m just spiraling downwards. But at least I’m not a fool anymore, at least when it comes to this thing called love.

 

Written by : Ashley / maybe Violet? (lots of passive influence while writing lately)