Where Will I Go From Here? (Violet)

I wish I could actually be able to enjoy the moment the majority of the time, but then I guess I wouldn’t be me. I also know that my mind analyzes every last little thing, scans my environment constantly, and tries to plan everything out to protect me. It thinks that if it does all of this then I may be able to avoid a dangerous and/or painful situation. Maybe I might be able to prevent myself from going into a panic attack in public. Whatever the reason, it thinks it is doing the right thing. So it’s something I’m trying to accept instead of staying mad at it. The things it does to try to relieve anxiety actually end up causing me even more anxiety sometimes, and I guess I just get a wee bit frustrated.

Sometimes I forget that I do have my limitations, but then other times I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I do accomplish by going outside of my comfort zone. I’m trying to find a balance, but I can’t do that if I keep pushing myself too far, or not enough. It’s hard to know where the middle ground is and if that’s even possible. Well actually I know it’s possible, because I’ve reached that place before. It took a lot of struggling along the way to get there though.

This whole idea of traveling is something I genuinely want to do. And I think a lot of people feel the same way where they want to as well. I’m tired of saying “someday” I’ll do this or that. I want to be able to go right NOW…but my mind and body just won’t let me. It shuts down. I become paralyzed. I get sick as hell. And sometimes it’s good to have things planned out. You don’t want to have to spend extra money when you don’t have to right? You want to make sure you’re going to be staying at a place that you’re going to be comfortable enough to be able to sleep. For us we have to eat specific types of foods, so we have to make sure all the right foods are close by, and then transportation is also something to think about. But going to a new place and trying to figure all of this out, and then having to do it all over again in another few days to a week doesn’t exactly seem ideal to me considering how overwhelmed I’m already getting trying to plan out this first trip. The weather has to work for us as well, or else we won’t be able to spend the time in nature that we want to, which is one of the main reasons we even want to travel… to expand our horizons beyond just going to the local parks in the area.

Everything has to line up perfectly no matter where we go because if we end up stranded as disabled as we are then it could turn really ugly. I try to remember I’m not like other people, but sometimes even with that knowledge I set the bar a little too high for myself.

Like when I made that last post…I was trying to be hopeful and believe anything is possible. But jumping too far ahead saying I’d actually be able to meet new people and socialize for a place to stay so I could save money was a bit too much. And because I told everyone about it, it made me that much more insecure about my situation, like now everyone is expecting so much more out of me than I’m actually capable of. It’s like it totally slipped my mind how difficult that would actually be since currently we can’t even stand to be around people at a distance, let alone be expected to socialize. We don’t have the capacity to do that. Even just those interactions we have where we go out and about where we are now that only last a few minutes with automatic responses take a huge toll on us.

Something that happened yesterday really showed me how important it is for me to have things planned out, and to not put myself in situations that could be dire to my health and well-being (social interactions for example). I need to take baby steps into this direction of traveling the west side of my country. I might not be able to leave right away until I feel ready to go as much as that kills me to say that.

I have to make sure I’m not doing things just because I feel like it’s the only way or that I have to. I should do it only because I want to. I also have to actually be capable of doing such a thing. If I don’t actually want to be around people, that’s not only not fair to me, but it isn’t fair to them either for me to take up a offer to stay at someone’s place just because I want to use them to be able to save money. And it could be detrimental to my health and happiness if I’m not actually able to handle such a situation, especially so shortly after my experience in St. Louis (which I haven’t disclosed yet) but it did have to do with the person who was letting me stay there. I can’t jump into such a vulnerable situation even if it’s only staying with someone for a few days I don’t know. I’m still trying to recover from what just happened to me. And I really don’t think I could even sleep in the same house with someone I don’t know because of how bad my hyper vigilance is in relation to my C-PTSD. I had the place to myself in St. Louis, and it still wasn’t a situation that ended up working out. Whether it’s a long-term or short-term situation with any person, it’s just not something I’m ready for right now. I got myself so deeply entangled with this person, and I’m still trying to unravel the knots.

I really want to be able to make this happen not just to actually enjoy the experience with what little life I feel I have left, but because I want to prove to myself that I can do it without another person being there to hold my hand. But then that brings me to my self-worth. I ask myself…am I really doing this for ALL the right reasons? Or is one the reasons to prove my worth to myself and others? To prove that these abusive/toxic people in my life didn’t break me, and that I can actually be happy? I don’t want that to be one of my reasons. I want to do it for the sheer joy of it! Yes, I am also wanting to do it so I can find my place in this world considering Portland doesn’t feel like my home anymore. But I want my top priority to be just to do it because I think it will be an enjoyable enriching experience. Not because I need to prove anything. And this is part of what I think has stopped me in my tracks, and is keeping me here.

One way or another I’m going to try my very best to live a life I can be proud of that’s authentically aligned with my personal truth and integrity. I took the first step leaving St. Louis but now I need to take another step. I’m just not sure what that is going to be yet. But I do know that it will be my decision, and my decision alone not influenced by another person (as much as I can help it). Because one thing I desperately need to do is find myself again because I definitely feel like I lost a huge chunk of myself in St. Louis. I need to stand on my own two feet again, and finally be free of the chains that have been wrapped around me sucking the life out of me.

 

Written by : Violet

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I See This As A New Beginning (Violet)

I can feel it in my bones that a new life is ahead of me. Maybe to the rest of the world my situation looks terrible, but to me I feel like this is a fresh start. I feel a lot more free, and a lot less trapped. Like I’m stepping into the unknown and it’s beautiful. No one acted like things were bad when I was still living in St. Louis because to them it appeared to be all going well. It does hurt that my pain was invisible to most people. That they couldn’t see what was going on behind closed doors. It actually reminds me of growing up in Virginia when I was in one abusive situation after another, yet no one noticed, and if they did, they just didn’t care. On the surface it may have looked like I was happy, and maybe it’s because my family is rich and people just automatically assume happiness = money. Or maybe it’s because I’ve always tried to look on the bright side, with a smile beaming from ear to ear. I remember someone once told me that I have a smile that could fool anyone into thinking I was really happy, because when I smile my eyes light up too.

But the truth is my current circumstances really aren’t any worse than they were before I came here. They’ve actually technically been bad my entire life. I’ve never had a place I could actually call home. I’ve never been in a place where I was really safe. I’ve just tried to make the most of whatever life throws at me. And that’s what I plan to do. I’m considering taking this opportunity to travel, and save money by crashing at people’s houses using a website for travelers. And if I end up saving enough to eventually get my own place again, then that’s exactly what I’ll do. But right now I don’t feel like my calling is to stay stagnant. I feel like I’m meant to move, grow, live, laugh, and see life as an adventure instead of worrying all the time when I could actually die tomorrow. As far as I know I’m probably not going to live past 30. So I ask myself why should I continue spending all my days worrying? Shouldn’t I take this opportunity and just run with it? The only real issue is that I would have to meet new people along the way, and with being autistic, traumatized, and dissociating into different alters that is going to be very difficult for me. But I’m tired of letting my fear and anxiety control my life. If it doesn’t work out, then I can always come back and figure out something else. I could always get a tent and see if I’ll be able to sleep outside that way.

There’s so many possibilities and if I keep telling myself I can’t do it, then my mind is going to keep believing that. What if I can? What if? I’m thinking I might as well try to do it different this time. Being what people call “homeless” is actually a choice for some people, and they decide to travel. The only difference between myself and a lot of those people is how disabled I am. But I’m tired of letting this hold me back. I’m tired of sitting around waiting for the system to finally see my worth and give me disability. By the time I get on it, there’s a good chance I could be dead by that point. I would rather spend my time doing things that I love and sharing my life and what I’ve learned with others. So far everyone has supported me, and if they really respect me as a person and care for me then I know they will support me with this decision too. I’m tired of running around in circles with my tail between my legs. I’m tired of spending my time in ways that aren’t meaningful to me. I want to choose to live life differently. That doesn’t mean that I won’t still continue to heal through what I’ve been through. But doing this may very well being healing in itself. I’m tired of letting what other people think influence my decisions, instead of doing what I think is going to be right for me. I need to walk my own path. I have the power inside of me. All it takes is just believing in myself, and going for it. And that’s a really hard thing to do when you’re a survivor of so much abuse and trauma. But if I can just hold on to it, and not give up. I really think I’m going to be okay. I don’t want to waste my whole life away wishing I would’ve taken the chance to do what my heart is calling me to do. The time is now.

 

Written by : Violet

The Sadistic Covert Abuse Of The Narcissist

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as any other kind of abuse that may leave a physical mark. So the last thing we should do is ever tell someone that the abuse they went through isn’t as valid as the person who went through physical and sexual abuse. But a lot of people do this. They don’t understand just how damaging it can be to toy with someone’s emotions and mental state.

The reason you hear so many people talking about narcissistic abuse is because there truly are a lot of survivors out there who suffer from the tactics that are talked about concerning this kind of abuse. This doesn’t mean all those abusers are actually labeled with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but they certainly abuse like someone who has the disorder. They will gaslight, invalidate, manipulate….the list goes on and on. They will try to gain complete power and control over their victims to the point where it will completely erode their sense of their own identity. They will get you to the point where you can’t trust yourself anymore, silence you, isolate you, and get you completely dependent on them.

These people are really good actors, but they are actually predators. They pretend to be the picture perfect image of something that they think others will admire only to use it for their own selfish gain. They can fake empathy. They can twist things around to their advantage. They can get you to second-guess yourself constantly. Because a lot of times you will see two different people. You will see them when they are acting like this person they pretend to be, and then you will see them when their mask slips. This can completely mess with a person’s mind. Honestly, trying to tell you guys just how deep they actually go with the sadistic ways they abuse people feels impossible. These covert ones do it in a way that makes it hard for you to sound like a sane person when talking about the abuse. And depending on how good they are at being subtle about their digs into you will determine just how unhinged they can make you appear. This is where the smear campaign may come into play.

Smear campaigns aren’t always obvious either. They aren’t likely to just go around saying “This person is a totally nuts!” They will actually talk about you in a positive light to other people, but may stick in little things overtime like “Oh, I just can never seem to do anything right to please her.” “She got so upset with me the other day and just took it out on me”…etc. etc. It could be just about anything they will say, and it will seem completely normal to the people they are talking to, but really they are unaware the narcissist is actually trying to manipulate their perception of you gradually, just like they manipulate the perception you have of yourself overtime. This is what they do to steal your thunder so to speak. This will make you feel completely helpless, and guess who’s the first person that they’ve setup for you to come running back to.. them, the narcissistic abuser! You will soon feel like you can’t ever make decisions for yourself, and always have to run it by them. You will never feel like anything you do is ever right, and might even start to believe that you’re actually the abuser. But the truth is if you’re genuinely questioning whether you’re purposely manipulating and abusing someone, you’re not, because you would know. These people know exactly what they’re doing but they manipulate others into thinking they are totally naive, and they they are actually the vulnerable ones who are victims of your abuse!

This is an extremely cruel thing that they do, and even after years of learning about narcissistic abuse, you will still find yourself falling into the new narcissists trap. Maybe because you want to believe people are good and then slowly overtime you ignore your intuitive guidance more and more. If you want a situation to work out badly enough, you’re going to convince yourself of all sorts of things to deny the fact that they could possibly be an abuser, even if the red flags are staring at you right in the face.

I’m writing this because it hurts to know other people out there are going through this. No one deserves to be abused. But it’s especially fucked when no one around you believes you or at least you feel they won’t because you may have trouble explaining the abuse to someone who hasn’t been through it themselves or really understands it. You may also be talking to someone who has been fooled by the narcissist. They may even be a flying monkey of there’s who’s ready to smear you without a second thought to defend a person who they think is totally genuine.

This is when self-love is the most important even though it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, especially in the state you’re probably in after they’ve put you through this gradual sadistic covert abuse. You can’t rely on anyone else for validation, especially those in the narcissistic abusers circle. Standing tall in your truth will help you find your way back home to yourself. It’s never too late. Don’t let them brainwash you into believing that it is. And that there’s nothing you can do because they got you. You are stronger than you will ever know, and that’s why they chose to try to rip you to shreds until there is nothing left of you but the narcissists mind-game working in their favor.

Ashley/Violet ?

Narcissistic Mothers + Periods

*TRIGGER WARNING*

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Something amazing happened tonight. It may seem like something so simple, and that it shouldn’t impact me like this, but it did.

I talked about an experience that was eating away at me earlier in the night in a support group online. It was about how my mother wanted nothing to do with telling me about my period, and was actually upset when I brought home that slip from school stating that they had brought up the subject in school. I remembered how much shame I felt that day, because she made it seem like it was something shameful. I was very confused and didn’t understand what they taught me, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with anyone to ask about it. I didn’t even know that that was a thing I could even do. We didn’t exactly have open communication in my family about things like this.

Another memory had come up as well tonight, and it was about the first time I got my period. I had completely forgotten about what actually happened because another alter was holding onto the memory. We still don’t have the full memory of exactly what was thought and what was said, but enough that it was really bothering us. Someone finally left a comment on our post in the group that talked about how their mother didn’t want to discuss periods with them either and that the first time they got it they thought they were dying, and another girl chimed in and said pretty much the same thing.

At that moment I realized that I wasn’t the only one. That day in school when I got my period a year later after I handed my mother that slip, I was absolutely terrified. I remember leaving class to go to the bathroom. When I looked I saw blood and I was so scared because I thought something was seriously wrong with me, and I think I did actually think I was dying at one point. I went to the front desk to tell them what was happened in pure fear, panic, and confusion. I think I might have been crying as well. They told me what was going on, handed me a pad, and vaguely told me how to use it. I remember I had to go to the bathroom myself and try to figure it out.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t figure out how to do it. All I can remember is the anxiety I felt when I went to my next class, thinking I was going to bleed all over myself before I had the chance to get home. I believe that when I finally got out of school that day was when my grandmother taught me how to put on the pad.

I never realized how badly this experience actually impacted me until tonight. And for the longest time growing up I always made it out to be that it wasn’t a big deal, because how was I to know that it was? I didn’t realize mothers were supposed to help their daughters with these things.

It has been a huge relief to know that I’m not the only one. And that’s why it’s so important to find validating places where you can discuss these things with people. I feel like some healing actually took place. And now I want to share with all of those people out there would may have had a neglectful, abusive, toxic, and/or narcissistic mother that never understood why they had a such a terrible experience when developing into a woman. I do believe our mother was upset that we were maturing. She started treating us much different once we grew breasts as well. And the older we got, the more it seemed like she hated us, which isn’t too far-fetched since she would actually flat out say she hated us growing up as a kid.

They say narcissistic mothers are jealous of their growing daughters. They can’t stand it when they are not as easily controlled by them. They can’t stand when they start to grow into their own independent person. You become competition in the narcissistic mother’s eyes. And that hurts like hell to admit this to myself. But it really explains a lot to why I am the way I am.

A lot of times we do need to look at our past to understand the present. I’ve been carrying this weight for so long, and now it’s finally being released out there into the world, hopefully helping other women out there who may have had a mother like this themselves. I am now free to NOT be the woman I was meant to be, but the woman that I choose to become.

 

Written by : Who the fuck cares?

Compulsive Checking Confessions (Violet)

This is something that I don’t really talk about very often but it actually is a big part of the way I am in everyday life. I actually think a part of me is ashamed of being this way. It’s something I definitely struggle with controlling. And that is my compulsive checking.

I check my phone all day long, just refreshing it over and over again. I do this same thing when it comes to checking my email, Facebook notifications, and YouTube channel. I feel a lot of anxiety if I don’t do this, and feel that I won’t get any relief until I do so. But then it causes me even more anxiety just in a different way when I can’t stop checking.

This is part of why it can be really upsetting for me if someone doesn’t tell me the exact time they are coming over or are going to be contacting me because then it ends up making me check these things even more to make sure I’m not missing their text. My phone doesn’t go off when I get texts or calls so that makes it that much more anxiety provoking. This is also why I have to deactivate my Facebook all the time. I can’t just log out and be able to leave Facebook alone. I also have to check if I logged out because I’ll forget that I just did. For some reason when I have Facebook activated, if I don’t log out every time I leave to do something else, it causes me a massive amount of anxiety.

Facebook is actually probably the worst out of everything when it comes to the effect it has on me if I don’t check it. I’ll make jokes sometimes about me always deactivating my Facebook because “Ha Ha This site is extremely addictive, and it’s the only way I can stay off of here”…but the problem is actually much deeper than that. What makes it even worse is that people will think I’ve blocked them because I’ve deactivated it, and will even remove me from the support groups I’m apart of. It hurts like hell to know you’re not welcome in a support group because you’re trying to gain control of a very serious issue that debilitates you in your day to day life. And of course it also triggers up those feelings of rejection, but that’s a whole other blog post.

I know that many people probably don’t understand why I have to deactivate it, especially as frequently as I have to do it. I noticed recently when I deactivate it, it allows people to still be able to message me even though I’m gone. This ends up adding to my anxiety that all these people are messaging me and pushes that urge even harder to reactivate it and check what people are saying to me. Some people might think this is funny, but it’s really not. It’s fucking horrible, and quite embarrassing. This is an extremely debilitating thing to have to go through. I spend a huge chunk of my day either checking or thinking about checking until I finally do it with so many different things in my life.

I also have to check my keys in my wallet every time I leave to go anywhere from wherever I am multiple times. I have to check that everything is in my bag over and over again. This might stem from being afraid that I’ll lose the keys, forget my keys, or forget something else that I might need. I bring things that I think I could possibly need if certain things happen that are really scary like if it starts raining, because rain causes me extreme pain sensory wise. Sometimes I’ll even bring an extra pair of shoes just in case my shoes break because of the fear of being barefoot outside.

This can lead into a lot of other fears like if I’m barefoot and it’s hot out then I won’t be able to make it home. What if I step on something sharp and end up being taken advantage of because I can’t run away if someone attacks me? What if I need to go inside somewhere and they won’t let me in because I have no shoes on. I need to be prepared for any kind of weather or situation that could arise.

I also end up shutting and locking the door repeatedly until I finally feel relieved enough to leave the apartment. This I think is because of my fear of not locking and shutting the door all the way because someone might break in. I also fear that I need to check the door is not broken so I know I’ll be able to get back inside if I unlock it when I come back home.

And not as often but I do this as well is that I need to check to make sure the stove and oven aren’t on before I leave. I also do this quite a few times. I’ve even left the building, walked a few blocks, and had to turn all the way back around just to go check the stove and oven again even though I just checked it. Sometimes I’m not sure how much of this is amnesia and just not remembering, and how much is my compulsive checking. But either way, it fucking sucks.

I actually just went to do laundry, and I put some of my clothes in the dryer including my special purple blanket. When I went to get the rest of the stuff out of the washer, I saw that my purple blanket was not there and panicked thinking someone had stole it. But it turned out that I just dissociated and forgot that I had just put the purple blanket in the dryer only seconds before. Maybe I switched… who knows? All I know is that fear of forgetting things because I actually do all the time I think causes me to compulsively check a lot as well.

I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell. But no one really knows this part of it. Well now you do. Hopefully this may help others feel less alone that can relate, or just bring about some understanding of something that people like me go through. As always I appreciate you taking the time to get to know me, and to hearing me out. It really makes a huge difference to have a voice, especially when I’m always trying to isolate myself. I have no one I feel comfortable opening up to and can trust, so going public about these things is the only way I don’t allow it to bottle up and destroy me.

 

Written by : Violet

Your Fake Little World (Violet)

TRIGGER WARNING

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You know something that I’ve noticed is that when you tell people how you feel, they tend to respond in a way that just makes it worse. They rarely say exactly what you’d like to hear and if they do it still doesn’t make you feel any better. At least this is my experience in life. I just see a bunch of people with their heads in the clouds or in the sand lying to themselves. They tell themselves this wonderful story about life that is complete and utter bullshit to make themselves feel better.

I’m not saying that I haven’t done the exact same thing, because oh boy I certainly have! It’s survival when we do this. But it’s pretend. It’s pretend happiness that we convince ourselves that we are experiencing. I try to hold my tongue because I don’t want to crush their vision. I figure I might as well let them do what they think actually helps. Really it’s just a band-aid that eventually comes off again only to show the same wound is still there. You were just covering it up.

When I write inspirational shit that people at least think it’s inspirational, it’s actually pretty fucking fake, just like everything and everyone else in this world. I realize that people like me the most when I can be inspiring to them. But take that all way and they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Because then I’d be too negative for their liking. If I didn’t put a spin on everything I fucking say to sound more positive to their ears, they would turn the other cheek eventually.

I notice that people tend to drop off the more real I get with myself, where I don’t sugarcoat shit. I just let it all out. And I know it probably sounds mean. But at least it’s what I really want to say. So frankly I’d rather not give a flying fuck. But I do. I always fucking do. That’s just another thing to add to the list of what I hate about this fucking world. And yeah today was definitely not one of my better days to say the least. But on my worst days it actually shows me the truth of myself.

I’m glad that I’m not “Miss Positivity” all the fucking time like Ruby is. She hosted for quite some time there. And people would actually tell us they thought we were the most positive person they’ve ever met. Little did they know it was just an overly positive part of us that was parading around only showing a fraction of the way we actually are.

Sometimes I will beat myself up because I can’t be more like “Ruby”. Everything seemed to come so easily for her. She is like a superwoman in my eyes at times. But when I really take a look at it, I know that it’s not realistic the way she is.

So really I think I’d prefer to be authentically me than to be someone I’m not. As hard as I try though I still can’t quite be myself. But that’s because now it actually takes a conscious effort most of the time to be that way, to be whatever me even is, because of what these crap people in this crap life have stolen from me.

I actually really have always wanted to die. I’ve always wanted to fucking kill myself. But then one day I realized that I don’t know what’s going to happen when I die, so really there’s actually no point. It could actually be worse than life. I could just come back and repeat the same shit all over again. So here I am, still living, and still putting a smile on my face like everyone else just so I can survive. But I’m fucking sick of it.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it though. I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow or someday after that and once again try to make the most out of this life even though I don’t want to fucking be here. And that really sucks. Because it’s not actually genuine. I gave up a long time ago on life. But at the same time I keep trying. I still end up hitting a brick fucking wall. And no matter how many people tell me what I should be doing and what they think will be best for me, it’s never going to do me any good.

So yeah, if anyone has a problem with how I live my life and how I view it, then they can just get the fuck off my lawn. You’re not going to change me. You obviously don’t accept me. So you might as well stop trying. I’m not someone you can mold into your perfect little person that’s going to do all these super awesome things. Get over it.

 

Written by : Violet

The Murder Of My Sexual Being

TRIGGER WARNING

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I’ve always felt this dark, filthy, grimy, sick feeling when it comes to my sexuality. But as I’ve moved forward in time it has only gotten worse. There were points where I really thought I’d be able to experience what it’s like to have a healthy sexual experience even if it was just with myself, but that ended up being torn to shreds.

I’m at this place in my life where I feel like there is no hope when it comes to this aspect of myself. I don’t think that it will ever get better as I heal. Not that long ago I was still able to feel a spark, even if it was just a small spark of true beauty and soul when I looked or felt my naked body. But recently as I lay bare or get any feeling of wanting to touch myself I get repulsed right away. I feel like I have no real desire for sexual pleasure anymore. The only thing that’s left I just want to bury. The only thing that’s left is the abuse. The only thing that is left holds no real value.

It only grips me tighter and tighter and tries to make me think, feel, and do disgusting things. I don’t find any enjoyment when pleasuring myself. I only feel like I’m being raped, but I also feel like I’m the rapist. I mourn this part of me that was taken from me. I wouldn’t say it was a long time ago though. It may have started being taken from me then, but like I said there was still a shred of hope. It’s gone now.

The one thing I felt unconditional romantic and sexual love for turned out to be an illusion. It turned out to just be an abuser. It turned out to be against me. It played me. It feels no different than being with a relationship with someone for years only to realize they’ve been raping you the entire time you were with them. They killed my sexuality. It was already bruised, battered, and torn….but this time they murdered it.

No one will ever understand this pain, unless they’ve lived through it themselves. You will read my words, but you don’t have a fucking clue. You may even think this is funny. I hear them all laughing at me, so why wouldn’t you laugh too? It’s funny that the life has been sucked right out of me isn’t it? Or maybe you will just feel sorry for me, and I will feel like I’m a pathetic piece of shit even more than I did to begin with. I’m not sure which is worse. Either way it’s better than living a lie. Living a lie that gives you false hope that dreams come true, and love really exists.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love myself. I know that’s an important part of really experiencing the love we all crave. We search for it in other people, but the truth is until we feel it for ourselves, we still lie awake knowing something is missing. That isn’t meant to make anyone feel bad, like no one will ever love them unless they love themselves. But the truth is your experience of love with another person will always be tainted with shame, self-hate, and a lack of compassion for who you are until you are able to love every part of you.

I’m just glad I can finally admit these things to myself instead of living in la la land. I might be a lot more depressed. And it might feel like I’m just spiraling downwards. But at least I’m not a fool anymore, at least when it comes to this thing called love.

 

Written by : Ashley / maybe Violet? (lots of passive influence while writing lately)

Compassion For Abusive Alters In A RA/MC System (Ashley)

TRIGGER WARNING

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Something that has become clear to me is that insiders who are programmed to do certain things to keep you in line really are doing it because they have been convinced that it’s in your best interest. They don’t realize that the organized group of abusers who trained them to do their assigned jobs are the ones who are in the wrong and that they are getting them to do things that are actually hurting themselves. This is because even though it’s a different alter they are abusing, they are actually hurting the whole system when they do these things because they are also apart of this system.

They think that they are being loyal to people who made them believe that they have infinite power. They were punished for not doing what they were told. And they may have been rewarded for complying with the groups wishes. These rewards may not involve them getting candy or toys to play with. They could’ve been rewarded in much more sadistic ways like being given permission to hurt someone else instead of themselves getting hurt. But this can also be a punishment. It depends on the individual. They may think that they will get to reach a higher ranking position with the group, and this can make them feel important and special, little do they know that all of this is based on lies, tricks, and deception.

They are told to be a good little girl and boy. Being good means something completely different to someone who is put through this type of mind-control than what it actually means. They think they are being good when they are punishing other members of the system. A lot of times they actually believe they are protecting the system and keeping it safe. Safe is also another word that can be distorted, along with the word love. Safety could mean always following the programming and doing exactly what your masters says. Love could mean sexual ritualistic torture.  The way you experience intimacy is completely warped by these people, and can ruin it for you for the rest of your life, especially if you still have beta sex slaves in your system that haven’t broken free of the programming put in place.

I think one of the hardest parts of recovery with this type of thing is that it’s so complex and in depth. A lot of survivors have very large systems. This means that there are so many alters that can have a piece of each traumatic memory. And it isn’t just one alter has one part of the memory as in the first part, middle part, and last part. A lot of times this is divided up among the different senses and emotions. One alter can see the experience, another one will hear what’s going on, another will hold the fear, another will hold the sadness, etc. etc. If you don’t find all the alters in your system, the memory work can’t be completed. You also have to get all of them to be willing to do so, and a lot of times that can be a very hard thing to do if they haven’t recognized they’ve been put under mind-control and want to try to break down the programming.

Some alters are harder to find than others, especially if you have had trouble accessing your inner-world. You have to figure out how your abusers structured it and organized the alters inside of it. You have to be able to build communication with these alters. This can be done in many different ways and is different from system to system. A lot of times the alters need to move from their assigned spots in the inner-world. And sometimes it’s also good for them to be able to take on a new role that may end up being similar to the one they had before but is not so abusive, and actually helps with the healing and greater good of the system. I think it’s great to allow the alters the freedom of choice though, because that’s something that they never got from their abusers.

This is definitely a lot of work but it feels worth it. If you don’t do anything about this, then it sneaks up on you, and a lot of times you end up doing very self-destructive things when you ignore the trauma, the pain, and the programming. It can more easily control you, if you don’t get some sort of grip on what’s going on. Having some sort of awareness can help tremendously. That doesn’t mean you have to work yourself to death. It’s best to take baby steps and not push yourself further than you’re capable of going in a day because then you can end up being burnt out for a long time and not be able to get anything done for awhile. It takes a lot of patience and love and care towards every member of the system.

These alters whether they are abusive are not need and deserve compassion from you. It may hurt how many times they may have tricked you or hurt you in some way. But they are only doing what they were told to do as a child, and are victims of this abuse. They really don’t know any better. If you leave them to rot, it does no good for anyone. Locking them up is not a solution and can actually remind them of some of the abuse they went through. Sometimes you have to make mistakes like this to realize what the right thing to do is. And that’s okay. We all learn from trial and error and I believe all of us survivors have the ability to beat this thing.

 

Written by : Ashley

What I Think About This #MeToo Movement (Ashley)

It hurts me to see so much division. I wish that people could just find a common ground. But instead everyone is fighting, and there seems to be no real solutions and empathy towards one another. I was scrolling around the internet today and there was so much that I read that made me cringe.

I came across some YouTube videos of men who are against this #MeToo movement because they are afraid that they will be falsely accused of sexual harassment and sexual abuse. I completely understand why anyone would be afraid of something like this happening. I know how it feels to have false rumors spread about me. It never impacted my employment but it did impact my reputation. It also wasn’t over legal matters, but I can relate. The issue with this is that the system is very flawed. Guilty people go free, and innocent people go to jail all the time. So to say that the only way someone can truly be guilty of something is if the victim has proof 20 years later or however long it takes to break the silence is pretty unreasonable.

The truth is a lot of times there isn’t proof that these things happen, witnesses, or anything that will back up a persons story. But that doesn’t make it not true. People also don’t understand what consent really is. Now the issue is that some people will go as far as saying that someone staring at them across the room and smiling is sexual harassment. A lot of men in particular seem to be afraid of even talking to women now  because they are afraid of being accused of being inappropriate and I admit that sucks. But it also sucks for those of us who have been afraid for years of people assaulting us because abuse has become normalized in our society, and is actually a very common thing people do. People will just laugh and tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing when you get upset about someone grabbing or spanking your ass without your consent.  They will tell you that you shouldn’t have gotten drunk or wore “sexy” clothing if you didn’t want to be raped.

I’ve definitely been the victim of victim-blaming. I shouldn’t have done this, I should’ve done that, I should’ve prevented it is what I’d hear from all around me. It’s not my fault that people didn’t have respect for me. It’s not my fault they didn’t take no for an answer the first time. That’s another thing a lot of people seem to do, is they think that when someone says no, that just means to keep trying, and they end up assaulting them over and over again. You don’t have to actually say the word No for something to be a No. No could be you pushing their hand away, pulling away from them, crying, being completely frozen and silent. Because when someone is afraid of someone in sexual abuse scenarios, they can freeze up (this is actually a trauma response) and not be able to verbalize certain things. This is especially true for disabled people, people with communication difficulties, and those who were abused in childhood who never learned how to set boundaries. But the truth is even when you set boundaries, people ignore them.

As far as I can tell this movement didn’t happen so every woman can just falsely accuse a man, though there are women and men who do this. The whole point of the movement is to give people a voice who have been abused the chance to speak out finally about the abuse they went through. I will admit that this movement is more focused on women being the only victims, and men always be the perpetrators. That is my biggest issue with the movement, because I have been sexually abused by women. We also sexually abused a girl in childhood because of a lack of awareness of what abuse actually was. We were repeating what abusers did to us in childhood. We thought abuse was normal, and abuse was love. So I completely understand why there might be some confusion about what abuse actually entails. I also know that women have sexually abused men. Putting the focus on a specific gender against another gender is surely going to cause problems and only bring about division among all of us.

I just think that we need to really listen to each other. We need to fix the problem of sexual abuse in this society, but we also need to find some middle ground here. I think employers shouldn’t fire someone based off of just an accusation alone, but there should be some sort of solution to making sure the person who feels as if they’ve been victimized is accommodated. I think that people should learn about what consent really is so there aren’t any misunderstandings. I also think it’s not fair that these guilty parties get to roam free and sexually abuse more people while you expect their victims to stay silent just because they don’t have proof. A lot of these perpetrators will actually threaten the victims life if they are to ever tell, so to shame them for coming out years later is really not cool at all. People can choose to either believe them or not believe. That is up to them. But no one can really know what happened except for the two or more people involved. Everyone’s voice deserves to be heard, and we have every right to tell people who our abusers are.

Really I just think we all need to try to get along, but some people refuse to see the other person’s point of view. Maybe it’s difficult for them to do because they’ve never been in their position before and experienced what they have experienced, but we need to at least try to understand. I believe we should keep an open mind and an open heart about these things while also standing tall in our own truth. I hope all of this will end up bringing us closer together, instead of making it so we drift even further apart.

 

Written by : Ashley

 

Programmed Insiders – Keeping Secrets (Ashley)

TRIGGER WARNING

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Secrets…all these dirty little secrets the insiders are keeping. It’s not their fault that they are hiding them, or punish us when we seek them out. They were trained to do so by people who clearly have a very dark agenda.

It still doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with though, especially when you try to speak out about anything they were taught we are not allowed to tell. You want them to trust you, but you also don’t want to become a doormat.

You know that if you try to do anything that they have been programmed to stop you from doing that you are going to pay a heavy price for it. Every step forward feels like you’re just inching along and then hit with these big massive blows that send you falling backwards a million more steps.

This is what recovery looks like when you’re trying to unlock the programming when you’re a RA/MC survivor. People don’t realize how complex all of this is and even how dangerous it can be at times. But you still have to do it if you ever want to heal and to stop being controlled by these insiders who were programmed to perform certain tasks within a system. You’ll think you’ve started really figuring things out, and then you realize how much more there still is to discover. It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially when sometimes it can knock you out for days at a time where you can barely function because every move you take towards healing makes it so you are tortured in so many different ways by them, just as your abusers did.

These insiders unfortunately learn from the abusers, so they do things that they were taught were in the best interest of the system. They are more often than not, extremely abusive themselves. It doesn’t matter if they feel they have good intentions. This is something that no one should have to live with. But we keep fighting every chance we can to get our voices out there. Right now I’m writing in this blog because we are not able to speak about it anymore on video, at least for the time being. But it’s still very difficult to get to the things that we aren’t supposed to talk about. I keep writing and writing and hoping that it will eventually just spill out all over the page.

Ever since we got this therapeutic sort of workbook for overcoming mind-control and ritual abuse, and really getting to know more of our system, everything has really been shaken up. We were definitely being silenced before, but now it feels even more extreme and more frequent. We are also starting to figure out which insiders are sending out these internal punishments most of the time when we are aware it’s happening.

Angel (male protector) in our system is the one who usually takes care of the different alters in the inner-world who show up either at the castle door, or just seem to appear out of no where, almost like there are portals that just open up. I will ask him when I’m fronting if he sees anyone there when I’m receiving the punishment, and he will usually find them. He does a very good job at working with the “new” alters we find. The reason the word “new” is in quotation marks is because they are not actually new, because they’ve been there the whole time. They are just new to our awareness.

So far we know that we have at least a few hundred alters (technically most of them are fragments but we don’t really like to use that word). We haven’t gone much further than the castle and where the darklands used to be. But we are finding so many alters in the castle and just right outside of it. We’ve discovered that these alters are a lot of times hiding right in plain sight. There are certain structures that are invisible to us at first but then they will just appear and the alter will be inside of them. We’ve also found alters that seem to be built as apart of the structure. We found a little boy one night in our inner-world who was apart of the castle wall. Because we’ve started really digging deep into the inner-world, we’ve gotten a lot of backlash from it. It seems to be that finally being able to access the inner-world more has been so crucial to our recovery.

We haven’t really been able to go into memory-work and do it properly yet, but that’s OK because we aren’t quite there yet. We need to take one baby step at a time. But at least we have a good idea of how we are going to do it when we are ready, and what to look for when organizing it in the inner-world. It’s great to be able to learn so much and acquire all this knowledge but I do wish that the insiders weren’t keeping us from putting it into action more, and would allow us to speak to outsiders about it, or just not punish us after we do so, because sometimes there is a delayed reaction. I guess I just need to keep trying. That’s all I can do. I can’t give up. I have to keep going. That’s all that really matters I think.

 

Written by : Ashley